Baby, I mean my words, by your presence, is my greatest time of life!
It's a cozy night, I was out for some discussion but it was cancelled then I was alone thinking of you all the time. Here I dedicate this to you, "Today more than yesterday". I mean it and it mean't more than what is told in words...because you mean more than anything else you thought!
It's exam week now. Stress, insufficient rest, worries, rush, losing attention, easily distracted, confusion of the syntax and details of the subjects, headache which is most likely alike migrane, depressed..etc! It's only tears that had me to bed every night. It's very suffocating, very heartache, very very very unhappy...I miss someone which is killing me from rest! :'( I need the somebody to be with me, kept me supported, but...I was alone all this while. I've been trying to be isolated from anybody, and I've been alone at most the time these days...to avoid gossips, rumours, spread of unnecessarily gossip or inaccurate information of me. I hoped that the exam papers isn't as difficult/tricky as it's thought because my brain and mind is officially malfunction, it's dying off, it's stopping in no time. My heartaches very much missing someone but I'm not allowed to meet up or anything at all.. :'( what can I do to make you understand and believe me! Eventually there're word spread says, "Alby is just faking around...". To those who knows me: Please let me know am I a fake jackass as who you people know who I am? I'm eager to know the truth of how the people in my surrounding looked at me. I'm off to bed, my head is cracking off soon if I'm not sleeping! Goodnight...I miss you! Happy anniversary... :'(
p/s: You've saved me from being sad for several times, please save me back from the sadness, I don't want to be in the sadness and depression anymore. It's hurting very badly, tiring yet sickening. I need you baby, I love you very much too...please forgive me! I love you baby...
p/s: Please don't go away, I've learned my lessons more than enough as if I was at the prison for months baby, please don't walked away for others, don't have your heart change to others because I really love you till the bottom of my heart baby... :'( don't ignore or abandon me anymore! I don't wanna lose you baby...
Every single steps/move I made is by my own decision, by myself, by my capability and by my heart! The steps are getting tougher day by day, I only knew I'm becoming weaker and weaker day by day.. If you're not mine, nobody ever will read this today, and if I'm not yours, we'll never met during the journey of life... My heart has always been the same to you and never changed..
Exam is tomorrow throughout the whole week, I'm not prepared at all. So one word to described, "DIE"! In year 3 now, if I didn't do well, I'll have screw my bachelor degree class. And I can't resist to just DIE off! It's too stressed, and another thing, I'm so much of suffocation now WITHOUT YOU. I've nobody, I'm nobody... :'( to anybody... I never deserve what I deserve, how pathetic am I, how cheap am I, how sad am I, how sick am I...I'm such worthless and full with loneliness but others full with enjoyment. I didn't study at all yesterday, after the gym I head straight to my granduncle's funeral till 11.30pm, then I couldn't study and wasn't happy at all, I went to the mamak and sat alone till 4.40am, then my bro and cousin came by till 6am! Looked, how pathetic am I! After all these years, I made myself to stayed away from everybody to avoid any gossips, eventually...gossips never stops and it never failed breaking people's heart. Even though the gossip is finally clarified it's untrue, I am still considered as an "outsider"...sucking everything up alone, and alone.. I've been good, been trying to be good, changing to be good, learned from the past experience, learn from mistakes, learn from being stabbed, learn from breaking apart but......nevertheless DIE is the word which I would described to myself although it's stupid or irrational, but it's too suffocating till I'm falling soon, collapsing soon... :'(
p/s: Goodluck for the examination Alby, may you pass your exam with flying colors if possible!
After all this while, how long has it be? :'( I'm really missing you so much, very very very depressed because it comes to today again! I miss you so much, I've been correcting myself, I just needed you to forgive me, forgive everything that happened in the past, and be with together back! You didn't know and never know, how has my life been without you by my side! Tears is only my best pal every night, thinking of you, not letting you go at all, what about you? How about you? Have you been thinking of me? Have you been missing me? :'( I don't want to continue to be this awkward anymore...it's aching my heart, it's aching my heart terribly! My heartbeats terrifyingly than usual! I just wanted you, wanted your heart, your love, your presents back to my life just like before! I didn't want anything anymore, I don't want to see anymore heart aching scenes in my life by you which is gonna make me depressed so badly as now...STRESS OF EXAM is killing me at one point, but the second shot of "heartache" is gonna make me R.I.P! :'( I miss you baby, I love you very very very much baby...how will you have me back to you? How will you have your heart to me where I've changed! It's very suffocating, very very very suffocating enough already...it's long enough to "treat" me lessons of not having you in my arms, it's really very long enough already baby...please don't treat me cold anymore, don't put me on invincible mode anymore... :'(
Time passes so slow, yet so fast, I'm experiencing the worst moment in life, SUFFOCATION! :'( what can I do but just hiding myself for the exam next week and having my heart terribly ache yet having suffocation in breathing! I've not been studying, I lose my attention, I'm losing myself, I'm losing motivation, I'm losing concentration to do anything! What is still active in my body is my tears dripping... parents been stressing a lot about my studies and result because it's the final year which gonna determine my bachelor degree class in the end, i screw my assignments, my midpoint, my sleeping hours,.... Moreover, the conversation is even making me in suffocation. I've never had this terrible feeling till I couldn't do anything at all! You said my words are fake to you, my feelings are fake, my tears are fake,... :'( to you, what is real from me after all this while??? I didn't get to do anything at all as you didn't let me to, and it's all about "...too late..." now! :'( I've been saving this since Day 1 till today, and I've been suffocating from missing you and to get back with you, but you were thinking I didn't want it back!~ The suffocation is killing my nerves off my brain! Brain certified malfunction,.....my heart is beating very fast of suffocation, but I could feel that the heartbeat is beginning to beat slower each day...which I begin to see the sunrise in the dark without any brightness but only a sign of a sun is rising... I only wanted you and your heart, there isn't much I'm requesting for! :'( I love you, for real, for everything that I could give....about me, myself and I...you are whom I want only baby...
Baby, you've had everything of me wrong! I've never gave up on you, I've never don't miss you, I've never don't love you, I've never stopped loving you before! And now it makes an equation of I + Have + Been + Missing + You + With + All + My + Tears! I've been there, I've always been inside your heart, never ran out of elsewhere as you thought I had changed to somebody else. In fact, you are always my love, which I love so much! I miss you, I miss you so darn badly!! The days I couldn't see you were my nightmares, of all the things had happen in the previous time were a nightmare to you, but I've recalled I've had my lessons learnt, I didn't want it to be like the present, I didn't want you to walk without me, I didn't want you to do anything without me and the one I didn't want it to happen which I didn't want you to walk with anybody else but just me! :'( it tears so badly, it aches so terribly, it suffocate me till I wasn't at stake of breathing normally! With all this years of tears I've tears for you, it never that I thought you were a "waste-of-time" or "have regrets" before! You were my love, you are my love, I will always love you from the day we knew ages back! I miss you terribly baby...I'm suffocating, and I don't want you to have any misunderstanding from me as I've been truely honest ever since the last incident happened years back! It was my last time, and I've been loving you with all my heart, with everything I could for you...for the home we always want to live in!
p/s:
"Where you used to be,
there is a hole in the world,
which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime,
and falling in at night.
I miss you like hell."
For what had happen in the past, there have been so much of changes, I've learned a lot, and I've never ever done that anymore. I've been trying to find ways giving you the best, but I'm always been compared with any other ordinaries which I'm far away from them yet I still didn't cut my breath off for you because I LOVE YOU with what we've developed from Day 1. It is easy to love one, but it is never easy to love one that loves you too. That was what you told me years back and that was what makes me commit to everything about you no matter what happens. There were times I've been accompanying you to sleep but you never knew cause nobody knows but that isn't important because God knows I did it for you. When you were away for this few months time, I've been missing you so terribly! 'Rain' falls everyday during the day and night, each and every second it kills my brain cells off for missing you baby! :'( my heart have been reserved for you since Day 1, till today, till my heart stop beating! I've never lied for not loving you before, words can be fake, but it has been over the years the blog "has" been written for you with tears... If everything were not true that we both said to each other, then this blog will be meaningless for me to continue writing. You are whom I want, never leave me for anybody, for all the silly mistakes I've done, I know that it hurts, it also hurts me too badly, I felt it too, but I've learned everything all from A to Z today! You've got me, you've got all my heart and soul off or you'll not see me being stupid that night! :'(
I'm stupid and that's a statement which I couldn't deny, but my stupidity doesn't affect my faithfulness, truthfulness and sincerity for you before! When I call you my "baby", I mean't it and you are always my baby! When you called me "baby", that was what I want that will never last...my heart is all given of to you but not anyone else before, let me hold you, let me hold you in my arms to give you the warmest hug that makes you smile! Please don't worry, I'm not pretending or being fake, but it is my hug that wanted it to last all time that makes you warm and happily being loved!
I'm sorry baby, I didn't mean to be ignorant, I didn't mean to left you out, I never mean to side anybody, but I only want to have the honeymoon happily with you! I've never thought of anybody or anything but just you all the time! If I'm really telling lies, I wouldn't be writing for you, I wouldn't be texting you everynight, I wouldn't be depressed all the time JUST BECAUSE I'M MISSING YOU SO TERRIBLY! :'( although everything seems to be words only, but it means beyond what it means for you! I don't want to be like this anymore, I'm going crazy, I'm losing my attention, my mind, my consciousness, my patience and my tears! I don't want to be left out, I don't want to be deserted by you at all! I love you baby, I love you for everything you've said/done for me over the years which I've never forgotten before! I believe you told me this was true, "if others are so easily to be in my heart, I wouldn't have loved you all this while and no one is more important than you besides my family!" And for that, I knew you loved me for all we've developed together! I know I'm ain't perfect, I've weaknesses, never rejects others, easily to trust others, have hair loss, ain't a a rich category kid, but all I have is just a sincere golden heart that kept for you to love and to be loved only. On and off, I knew it was tiring, but I want to get it all solved for us to live together happily, to walk the journey together, to hold our hands wherever we go, to live under the same roof together happily! I miss you, I really miss you so much, which ever or where ever I go, you came across my mind in every second that cause me distraction without realizing anything that happens in the surrounding. Every second when I'm in the car alone, you were the one I've been thinking of, missing of so much till it tears each day!
I did went out for drinking sessions, I did went to the club or events, but it never stopped me from thinking of you before, when the midnight comes just before the sunrise, you'll have my SMS in your inbox, till today, you've been seeing "1 New Message" and that was from Alby Thum. I've never give up and I'll never give up on you as I've promised and it was stated somehow somewhere still over the years, "I can't let go my hands off you..." because my heartbeats for all the love I've given to you unless if you wanted me to be perished. I never cared about others before, I've never cared about how others looked at us in our relationship, but if you cared for what the others says that makes you hated me so much for all the hypocrites then it isn't gonna be fair for us, for me who isn't as what the BITCHES bitch about. I'm true to you baby...and I needed you more than anyone else including....some other people! :'( I just need your love and you which I wouldn't ask for anything anymore baby! TRUST ME!
p/s: "My love is never a lie to you before!"
For you from my heart: "I think about you constantly, whether it's with my mind or my heart." ~by Albany Bach Reid
&
"I keep coming back to you in my head, but you couldn't know that, and I have no carbons." ~by Adrienne Rich
"My heartbeats for you will never stop, if only my heart stops, for that will be....and it will be when my heart stopped beating!" ~by Alby Thum
After all this weeks, finally i've got all my assignments handed up, ON TIME! Ya, Friday, 12 June 2009, 7pm DUE eventually everything was handed in 10minutes latest before the clock turned to 7pm! It's been weeks i've been working out with my assignments with stress and many others stuffs, the last week of all the assignments due, have taken me 3days of rest to complete everything from day to night and night to day! Everyday, morning till midnight, the last 3days i slept at 7++am to 8am then woke up at 10++am/11am to go back to college to rush for my SVVR, PRMGT & the worst one is my FYP midpoint report, they called it INVESTIGATION REPORT for my program! Anyway, i'd struggled so much with the admin asking for extension which they then told me it's called "DEFERMENT" because it means differently! WTF? Whatever it means, i guess the admin shouldn't have promised me that she'll extend/defer my due to the day i could hand in which is next tuesday! TODAY i finally met my program leader and was kinda "arguing" with her of the things i went through the admin scheduler WHO CAN'T DECIDE ANYTHING and i had a deferment form to fill for the reason of "miscommunication with the admin"! WTF??? Sigh...more than enough i've been trying to work it out to finish it on time and do my research eventually i handed in with a deferment form! Worst part is when i needed internet most it went breakdown! Argh, went out to borrow the "internet" to do my work and to de-stress till when i got back it isn't working yet, i called the TM@3am to make my report! Then the next morning everything went fine back, the technicians are outside my area fixing the cables and lines! THANKS! So now everything is done except for exam, but yet after all this stress and free from DATELINES BUT exam in 8days time! I'm SO gonna die soon! SIGH!~
Anyway, i finally found out who the winner is......yet insufficient rest and tonnes of stress have almost killed me throughout the weeks eventually...heh...i am just a loser la!~ I know I'm worthless@useless in the end...suffocation of pain, of stupidity for being jealous,..KILLS ME REALLY REALLY TERRIBLY NOW!! ;'(
Night everybody...
A song which i quite like lately by Z-Chen, the new album song! Enjoy....
四目交接的时候 不要停留太久
适可而止的问候 关心不能太过
好奇也别去探索 嫉妒只能深锁
如果忍不住寂寞 也不能对你说
啊好朋友啊我的好朋友
不小心的沉默 不想让你太难过
* 我们就站在落地窗的两边
就算触碰也有了界限
如果跨越过彼此那道边界
是靠近还是更遥远
相信我们走到另一个境界
搭肩高唱友谊万万岁
要是我爱你变成了语言
什么会多一些 什么会少一些
就让别人去猜测 我们清白的很
就让自己去承受 那种清白的闷
就算我只是朋友 能不能有要求
如果会发生什么 还是我想太多
啊好朋友就只是好朋友
不小心说出口 微笑中藏着难过
Repeat *
你会不会也曾闪过这感觉
一念之间就要差一点
要是我爱你变成了利剑
什么会被消灭 什么才会复原
那是我的底线 继续将你暗恋
p/s: "My tears drip, EVERY night of missing S.O.M.E.O.N.E but.... ;'("
Gary Chao Ge's new song, i've always been admiring him produces great music and meaning behind the lyrics! It's a nice song!
I realized, people in the surrounding been looking at me in one kind of expression lately when i was at somewhere, really weird, making me uncomfortable, feeling as though i'm WANTED or prolly a criminal or something. I don't know why, it just hurts me so much! Each time when it happens, tears almost to drip off from my eyes. I'm feeling insecure, imbalance of lifestyle, imbalance of health as well as everything going on all this few months time. It's suffocating, my heartache most when....we confronted but i'd a feeling it was all make out, in fact, i could sense reluctance! :'( i've almost been missing you so badly, but why is it has to be like that? Whats worst is....whatever i heard from you about...it really almost kill me off from living!~ I love you for true, for all i have, for whatever you want with my best, with everything i wants to give it to you...but....
Here it goes:- A: Why don't you throw the things away which I gave?
B: Why should i? You can't throw away the memories even if it's all thrown away..
A: I know you won't forgive me!
B: That's only what and how you think. We've been together for quite awhile, for years if i were to described it, but i've always been wondering, if there's a cure for missing someone. What do you think?
A: It's to see the person you miss...
-END-
It's 7am, i couldn't sleep although i'm tired, although i've been rushing on my FYP midpoint which is suppose to be handing in today but don't know whether the extension approved or not to next tuesday. Yet, i've been thinking over you, missing you, i miss you, i didn't just miss you, but i miss the whole of you! I'm not greedy, i only wanted to have a meal with you to see you longer!~ :'( i knew everything was my fault since last time, why couldn't you let the past off your mind and allowed me to love you and to be loved by you back?? I can't take it, the moment i was driving back home, tears dripping off from my eyes...the touch, the speech, the hug, the eye-to-eye contact, the care, the love, the TRUST...i wanted it all back from you baby! :'( everyone is seeing me as an artifact animal, as though asking me to "get off" or "fall back and don't come into our territory!" thinking about the stabbing, the people who's unable to be close but finally can be close with you, IT HURTS SO MUCH BADLY DEEP INTO MY NERVES!!~ i wanted to see you so badly, but its either i sneak off from somewhere, hide around peeping, pretending as though we bumped onto each other....no, i didn't want those at all! But i am not given any choice to do that, watching things i didn't want to.... :'( all i want is my baby back who cares and loves me, but isn't like now..... how, what shall i do? The cure of missing someone is to meet that person, but it almost make me to tears whenever we confronted! :'( i really meant every single thing i've been telling/clarifying with you and it's all because i love you so much deeply...
I felt lonely, i'm lonely, i've been lonely,...and all i want is you back! :'( i wanted to clear off every single problem we've had in our heart, to be together happily for the better days...i didn't want to be apart from you at all if i don't love you at all baby!~ :'(
I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!!
p/s: "I always remember whatever you've said/told me before, I'll never forget anything or whichever or whatsoever thing of you.."
I needed you so much! I needed you so much baby!~ Please come back to me, please allow me to go back to you baby!~ I'm sorry for whatever happened, I didn't have any intention at all!!! :'( I love you for everything I have and could, I only expected you to love me back as before and NOTHING at all anymore!~ I love you and I really needed you so much.... :'(
*** This song is a tribute to the respected artist, A-Sun, who had passed away not long ago. ***
I love this song so much, and I don't hope to have such an ending at all... :'( all I want is just "somebody" to trust and heart me! I need nothing at all, I don't want anything either, but plain YOU who I love all by my heart all this while right up till today...I've always love you truthfully and faithfully baby!~ :'(
I'd been unhappy, more for a depression for sometime. Nevertheless, I reckon I can be called a naive or easy-to-trust creature. I was warned many times, not to believe on others easily! Ya indeed, I always trust anybody very easily, today, I've finally realized something, I am naive. I finally knew the truth who have been backstabbing yet destroying every single of my happiest moment! You helped me and then you stabbed me from the back, what have I owed you? WHY!? :'( I know I'm stupid enough to believe every single thing from anybody, part of the reason, I knew why... :'( I'm having serious depression now! STRESSED! PRESSURED! DEPRESSION! YOU HAVE DONE IT ONCE LAST YEAR, AND THIjavascript:void(0)S YEAR YOU'RE DOING IT OVER AGAIN BOYCOTTING ABOUT ME OF WHATEVER UNTRUE STORIES/GOSSIPS! I've been told, been warned, then I stopped everything, but you're STILL doing it behind my back. You're GREAT! YOU DID IT! I'm suffering here everyday and night, every single moment, been thinking of my love one, missing my beloved so badly yet you're happily hanging on there! :'( I've always have somebody who cherish me, loves me, cares for me, and even be by my side,...but with EVERY FUCKING BUSY BUSINESS you added which are all FAKE, you're close to as though you've murdered me! YOU MAKE ME TEARS SO MUCH!!! I can't believe that I've been believing you all this while! YOU MAKE MY LIFE MISERABLE! YOU MAKE ME IN SUCH SUFFOCATING IN HAVING NOBODY!!!!!!!!!~~~~~ AND I HATE FUCKERS WHO MOTHER-FUCKING-BACKSTABBING AROUND OTHERS BACK FOR FAME, FOR NOTHING BUT HAPPINESS!!!! YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE WHO BECAME THE MASTERMIND OF MY LIFE, MY HAPPINESS AND MY EVERYTHING SON OF A GUN!!!
A random post, but these 2songs mean a lot to me to you! Enjoy people...though it isn't any LATEST or NEWEST song, but it means deep inside from my heart...
.If This Isn't Love.
.When You Believe.
p/s: "Do you know i misses you really really badly...it's all because i heart you deep inside my heart! What can i do? :'( ..."
It's been how long i've not had good rest? Sorry, UNCOUNTABLE! It's been a busy week, and i'm terribly exhausted too! Class from morning till evening, gym with the new program & diet, back home assignment! ARgh....i've super headache now! Terribly headache, did some of the assignment, and i'm so stress of so much now! WORRIES keeping me tired!!~ so many things jumbled up in my mind, what i need is some pampering! :( sIgh...everyone said, "Alby, how are you doing? Why do you look so tired? Like exhausted? Haven't been sleeping for weeks? etc.." everything is turning WORST of my health...there's only ONE medicine that could cure me, i just need you so much.. :'( goodnight readers...
It is just too hard to go to bed and sleep with my eyes closed and brain stop functioning! :'( assignments are killing me, SVVR due next thursday where i'm struggling terribly with the codes but isn't the design, actionscript is so...URGH! PRMGT due on the same day as SVVR, it's about to finished but...with slow updates on my groupmates, SHIT HAPPENS! And...the worst part, my FYP Midpoint to be handed in on the 10/6, i need to write at least a minimum of 50pages of report before it due yet i've got NOTHING in the report! It's been so busy working out with other assignments for the past weeks till next week! Sleepless night,...apart from that, my heart.....aches missing someone! :'( my life is just so 2-3hours of sleep in 24hours! Exam is throughout the whole last week of June09! Argh....i'm darn scared now!!!~ :'( it's just so busy....and it's making me collapsing in no time, been a few nights that i was half way doing my assignment, eyes began to feel tired, went for a bounce on my bed, and slept for 1-2hours then awake in the midnight to continue my assignment till 4-6am every night! :'( it's so suffocating.....i need you so much..wishing all the classmates best of luck in finishing all assignments and midpoint before it due!
Nevertheless, another sleepless night, 8.30am for class and I'm still awake though I'm terribly tired! My eyes, my body, my back aches, my mind is empty, my heartbeats abnormally but...there's only one thing, one person who comes into my mind that calms me down! I've thought of a quote for long, for you, my love...and the rhythm goes like this...
Something I've thought about long ago,
This is what I've decided and make out of my mind,
No one in this world is perfect, Heaven knows I'm not thou,
But my love for you is more than anyone else possibly could!
In the end, that's all that matters.
You're my chance at something else, something better...
And there's no way I'm letting you go off like that..
After all this while, FINALLY....words not much, eyes off somewhere, but my heart still beats for missing you! I've been waiting for this day so much, but... It just takes my breath off with "please don't misunderstand anything..", "it's just like that..", "..no other means"! :'( I've had hell loads of unfinished things, i did it on purpose, for you but why..?? Did it just break my heart into pieces? No? Yes? But why? It's so suffocating, it's really suffocating! I'm trying hard...really hard, but i'm still never been pleased! Here..., here..., you take it from here my words! My speech couldn't be spoken out at all tonight, it just stabbed deep to the spot where it makes me to mute!~ :'( do you know,...i've been missing you so much badly! Badly till it's aching deep into my heart and nerves for the ignorant and reluctance! I'm collapsing in no time.... :'( you engraved everything in my heart, why do you wants to take everything off back from me? Have i ever, ever said "LOVE" suck? No i didn't, nor won't because the love we'd together isn't suck at all!~~ afterall, i'm in need of you and your love only... ;'( i don't need anything from you at all!~
It's 7am, Sunday 7am, by right, i'm suppose to be a good boy, sleeping yet going to wake up in the next 2hours for breakfast with my parents on the early healthy sunday but...i couldn't sleep! I couldn't close my eyes, shut down my brain, nor even close my eyes at all! My bro on the bed sleeping snoring like no ones business but i'm still awake! I saw the sunrise from time to time! It isn't my first time, i saw it from my eyes, from dark to sunrise! The sky turned brighter and brighter every minute, as though every moment i'm passing by, missing one person deeply hour by hour, day by day! I miss you! I terribly misses the entire process staring at your eyes and face, holding your hands, talking to you...it's been 3months and 13days i haven't seen you! Though i did took a sneak peak at you somewhere, but that almost took my breath away. Every assumed i was the happiest person on Earth including you but in fact, i'm not at all. I remembered we were together, looking at the sunrise slowly...staring at each other's face, pampering each other by the forehead and hands holding tightly, i didn't just miss it, i eagerly wanted it back all from you so badly too! Many are having a hard time right now, i hoped to help, i hoped to be there, i hoped to keep them company...but i failed to do so as i'm unable to help in my problem. I knew there were many past that lead to many mistrust, misunderstanding or miscommunication but i'm always 24/7 there to correct it, make it right, getting your heart back to me only. Loving you isn't as like eating a favorite ice-cream, but it's the time and effort that we've been through in developing from scratch, from the time we don't know anything to everything we knew about each other today... I saw many couples by the road side, at the mall, in the car, cinema, restaurant, cafe, garden or club, but where's my precious? What about my precious love ones? No, i didn't betray, i didn't stop loving you, i never don't miss you for one moment, nor stop thinking of you before,... baby, you've always been not just in my heart and mind, but virtually as though you were by my side every moment, everywhere i go!~ you were the one that i sacrificed everything for, you were the one i gave everything to, you were the one i only love although there were tonnes and billions of people around, of all the things happened, nevertheless how bad one problem is, YOU ARE still the ONE Alby loves, cares, misses and...walks in my life! You don't just leave me footsteps or memories, you left me a big impact in life, learnt a lot in the lessons and discovered many problems in me. I admitted i was ego and stubborn in some sense, but my heart can never lie to anybody, you're always in my heart and most important in my life.
Indeed, it is true nobody couldn't live without anyone, but living with the one you love, the one you always have loved, the one you have put every single effort onto, is still the most beautiful thing ever compared to a lonely moment. Single is fun, single is free, single can be beautiful depending how one looked at it, single can be the richer than a couple, single can have no worries, single can be happy and many more but single can never be compared to a loving couple which have put every moment in developing it especially after all this years of ups and downs, obstacles and problems they've been through together! I can never deny the truth i wasn't at fault before, i remembered every single moment, every single thing, every single gift, every single words you've told me, every single facial expression, every single heartbeat i felt, every single smell on you, but i know i myself have to personality problem which you would assumed i wouldn't change to appreciate you more. I cherish you, i really do, i didn't tell any lies, what i've been doing, i really do for the sake of us, for us to be closer than anybody else, to be loving towards each other! You're everything, everything where there's nothing i want including money although it is important to everybody these days, but money couldn't give me a permanent happiness unlike while you were by my side, although it was just breakfast, lunch, tea break, dinner or supper together! Have you guys ever heard, 5minutes of happiness with your love ones could make your day anyhow better than anything else? Lets make a rough count for me for not seeing my love ones for 3months and 13days? It's been close to 150,000minutes i've not seen my beloved! I've suffered a lot for missing one so badly, though we've not met and been arguing or not talking to each other for long, i believe the old folks says that "loving one really with the heart or what most people known as true love" no matter how long or far the distance is between both the human being, their heart and soul is always belonging to the one they missed most! Let's make this clear, i admitted i'm the creature@human being (if there're still people who thought i am one) that loves YOU most, and had never gave up in holding you back to my arms by talking through and solving every mistrust and problems we had all these years for a better times together happily...
The sky is getting really brighter, and the sun is really rising shining direct through to my window, luckily my mom have changed my curtain to my favorite, a dark blue and white stripe curtain so it wouldn't be too bright even though the sun is shining at 12noon! I'm still awake, not really sleepy, i'm ain't a God, i'm ain't a superhuman, but i just misses someone too much badly!~ i've never thought it would be a waste of my time doing all this, i wouldn't have thought that you don't love me truely with you heart as we've been together for years, i belief the truth although we'd been arguing, the one in your heart though you hated most, you still have me as the one you love most apart from your family! I understood that nobody would understand the pain you've suffered from how and what i've hurt you before, but i reckon i'm the only medicine to cure unless you never love me before! I believe in fate, i believe everything starts for a reason, everything happen for a reason, and fate allowed us to be together is the greatest gift i've had in my life, not comparable with Gucci, Emporio Armani, a big house, a Ferrari, a millionaire or someone that has back his hair as he'd been having his hair loss over the years which is not recovering much though, you're still the most precious gift i've had in life! You gave me the best moment, the laughter that remains permanent, the sadness which have taught me a lot while growing to be more mature, the worries that i've learnt where i know you were the most important person to me and i don't wanna lose you or having you unhappy, the disappointment faced because of too much/high of expectation....you're still the one i love baby...i didn't lie, and i swear, i've never dare to lied anymore!~ I MISS YOU....really badly!
I've something for you, and it's mainly dedicated exclusively for you too.. Click here for lyrics!
depression kills me. depression haunt me back in the night. depression makes me tears. depression hurts badly. why i'm forever not the one? i couldn't sleep at all at 5am. i'd been sleeping only 2-3hrs for the past few days. having class in the morning till evening and now, i'm back to my territory. having terrible heartache. tears non-stop flowing. why? how? what shall i do? why is it that i've been loving one loyally yet i still got nothing in return but a whole load of hurtful statements?! i can't take it. it aches deep into my nerves. assignment due later. 2 more next week. final year project midpoint by 12/6 yet i've done nothing. why is it i've spent so much time in developing everything for years, you can never understand the real me that i really been loving you truthfully?! :'( it's been 3months. i've always wanted to do something but i've got boundary from you. what the hell on earth i can do for you? why i'll never have any good return for loving one faithfully?! i'm lost. i'm unhappy. i'm upset. but i reckon depress should be the word to describe. been to the clubs to get drunk and not to think much. it's all because of you! it's all because of you that i love so much and became a vampire, fail in doing my studies etc. i need love. i need comfort. i need care. i need you but.... :'( stop the cruelty. stop the cruel intention. stop the hurtful words. what i want is just you back. you that i knew. you that i love. you that i hold in my arms for 3yrs. you that i've been smooching on your forehead for 3yrs! :'(
somebody please save me out of the depression. i seriously can't handle it anymore. i'm getting weaker and weaker. i'm losing everything in grip. i'm lose you! i'm losing to someone whose fresh. i'm losing myself for loving you so much deeply, i wants to R.I.P! :'( the promises i made, have never been broken before. until today, you're still whom i love every now and then, every second and minutes been thinking of you. why am i still being accused the worst person ever. i need a peace life with you. i want a peace life with you. why is it so hard to please some people in life? i'm collapsing. i'm losing control. i'm losing everything...
Why? Why? AND WHY?! I'VE NOTHING LEFT!!! EVEN MY HARD DISK IS GONE!!! AND YOU'RE RUNNING OFF FROM MY TRACK! ='( been over the years, over months, i seems still the only bastard left in the world! NOBODY will loves me, NOBODY will understands me, NOBODY will cares for me, NOBODY WILL HEAR/SEE ME CRYING every night! Now, i'm left as the worst person in the world, somebody has taken "my position" and kicked me off to the ground. I'm fake, everybody claimed that i'm just a fake bastard who fakes for all these years! :'( i didn't expected much in life, i would gave up everything for you but...I HATE MYSELF!~ I HATE MYSELF VERY VERY MUCH!!~ I do not know what am i suppose to do anymore. God, tell me for the sake of this 3years, am i freak to everybody? Why are there so many stories behind who stabbed me from the back towards the one i love most? WHY???????????????????????????????????????? WHY YOU CAN NEVER FORGIVE ME? WHY YOU CAN NEVER MAKE ME THE ONE AT ALL???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ='( you left me NOTHING IN MY LIFE! AND I HAVE NOTHING IN MY LIFE!~ WHY CANT YOU EVER BE COMMITTED TO ME ONLY WHEN I'VE ALWAYS BEEN DOING.... ='( how can loving one so much deeply, gets nothing in the end but all the shits!!
"I'm a saddist, the saddest animal known within everyone on Earth."
It's been 3months, I've got nothing, but just plain ignorant. They said I've been enjoying life, been happy'ing around etc...but I reckon people who knew me well, shall know I've been hiding a lot, my feelings, my unhappiness, myself, and most importantly the real me. These days, I've been making everyone assuming I'm happy enough to go through my life, but the inner depth of me, no one would ever know including you whom claimed I'm enjoying my life, except to a few person on Earth who text me in the night sharing their unhappiness with me knows how I feel. 3months, 3months since the last time we met, and you broke up with me, and today I'm still the me, who still loves and misses you so much. You won't know, and I know...you will/likes assuming, I never bother, I never cared, and worst is that you'll declare that 'I'm never serious to you too..'. It hurts, hurts me deep the heart, but I've never hated you before, because the truth, I never been anybody as how you've assumed before, neither my past, present, or even the future. You are still the one I love most baby...
p/s: "I'll still dedicate you songs, which you won't know... I really misses you so badly everyday, noon, evening and night..."
You’re in my arms And all the world is calm The music playing on for only two So close together And when I’m with you So close to feeling alive
A life goes by Romantic dreams will stop So I bid mine goodbye and never knew So close was waiting, waiting here with you And now forever I know All that I wanted to hold you So close
So close to reaching that famous happy end Almost believing this was not pretend And now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come So far we are so close
How could I face the faceless days If I should lose you now? We’re so close To reaching that famous happy end And almost believing this was not pretend Let’s go on dreaming for we know we are So close So close And still so far
No matter happens, how imperfect you are to me, you're always seems perfect to me just like what Indian lady described her husband as he's beautifully imperfect to her. There's always no perfection in life, "he/she is perfect" is just what we human being claimed them to be. In fact, we knew they're beautifully imperfect to us! I've never knew i would love you this much deeply too! *Note* Please dont misunderstand that the one i love is dead, no alright, i'm only relating it that nothing is perfect, but the "perfect" word is being replaced by "beautifully imperfect". I always had been loving u deep to the bottom of my heart baby...
Another video my friend recommended me to watch, it's meaningful...watch it! Enjoy...
It's very sad to say, one of my friend's mom had passed away on monday night. When i woke up on tuesday morning, i saw a truck with tables and chairs. Wondering why are they here and will there be party or.... I don't want to think of that that "yea, auntie Barbie have left us." I really don't want it to be.. :'( nevertheless, when i was out of my area at the traffic light, i called mom, asked if auntie Barbie have passed away because i saw the truck with tables and chairs below the house. She replied "oh...is it i think she should have left already.." then we hung up, and i went for class without thinking of anything. After a couple of hours, my brother called to confirm that she didn't make it on monday night. She left when everyone left her place after the visit at 10+pm on monday. Mom told me this few days ago, but i didn't catch the right time to pay auntie Barbie a visit! On the day i saw the truck, i thought after my class i'll be paying her a visit because mom told me she don't seems could stay too long already as the doctor had done their best and my friend (the son), have spoken to auntie Barbie (the mom) in front of my mom this, "ma, you can leave peacefully with no worries, i'll take care of myself and sister will do the same too *tears*. don't stay here to suffer of the sickness (Serviks Cancer) anymore." Everyday starting tuesday night until thursday noon, i attended the funeral to pay my last respect to her, on the day itself she was brought out of the house, everybody says "bye" to her.. *tears again* auntie Barbie have seen us (me and my siblings) grew since we were younger, and she likes us very much. Anyhow, thanks for everything and may you rest in peace auntie Barbie. We'll always miss you....
Baby, I (heart) you for real and everything has been true from me to you...nothing is been FAKE before!
今天看見永遠的第一天, 終於實現我和妳的諾言, 時間將一切拉遠, 愛在心裡沒有改變..
今天看見愛飛過地平線, 當我說完我對妳的誓言, 這是另一個起點, 我一定愛妳到永遠...
到永遠....
Do you remember this phrases? I've never forgotten about it before, someone had dedicated me this song in years back, I was told that the meaning in the entire song is what it meant to me, ever...because of this, I love that person even more and i've make my words to that person, i love that person truely for real, i'll never gonna let that person go... :'( i'll never forget whatever the both me and that person have said to each other from those days right up till today, they all have been kept in my heart all this while...i'll never have a change of heart even if that person is better because my words to that person are real, and whom i really love, i knew it all by myself, by right that person knew it too but that person have lack of confidence yet been thinking that things WONT BE TRUE because TRUE LOVE never exist, especially on that person itself. No you're wrong, No you under-estimated my sincerity, No you've been thinking too much, No you've thought it all wrong! The one I claimed i'll only love, will love, and love from those days right up till today is still the same, and never changes before! We've said to settle things down together before, and i've been looking forward that after the 'misunderstanding and miscommunication' ended! The 'someone' and 'that person' i've been talking about is always YOU BABY!!! :'( did you know i've never thought i would have such lover in my life that will loves and made me loves so much? You're always special to me, that's why i never wanted you to be "obtained" by anybody else except me. Few years back, i've bought a couple ring but..., and this year i've got it from you, i was extremely greatful and thankful for the meaning of it! EVERYTHING, i mean really EVERYTHING you'd given to me, i've been appreciating it, and whatever from my beloved, they mean everything to me, nevertheless, it means your love for me too! I've always have faith in you baby!! No matter what it is, i swore to God, i've been real and sincere towards you and each and everything we've been through all these years together!~ Thank you so much my beloved...
<< You're the one that I love, and I love, and I love and I have never been as you thought or like others said before! I never betray you, I never lied to you (except last year's incident), I never take you as a toy, I never hide anything from you, I never take this relationship like you thought NOTHING or NOT SERIOUS, I have never taken you for granted before either baby, I SWEAR I REALLY HAVE NEVER BEEN FAKE TO YOU BEFORE.. :'( >>
For now, i dedicate this to you, it don't mean just what it was sang, but it means every single moment we were together from the lyrics in this song...and it's all about what we've always wanted and it's my love for you too!
I'm suffocating, I've been suffocating from a severe pain that i can barely take, i've never been fake to you, i've never been fake to you before! How are you suppose to believe me?? :'( tears been tearsing everyday, i really couldn't bear the infinite pain in my heart that you thought of me as a 360 changed to someone you dont know who anymore. I dont know why, i dont know how, i dont know who either (whether i know or not), but i've never changed before!!!! I'm really getting weaker and weaker, day by day, i'm feeling it's the end of the world. Whatever i've been describing yet been telling you from the olden days, they're all TRUE! I've never lied and you've brighten and enlighten my life, i do not want to lose you at all baby!~ i've really been appreciating every single moment, single thing we did together and you did for me and have never had any bad intentions before, never, never and i've NEVER!!! :'( what's the point of betraying you when i've been the one who'd been holding you and been trying to save the relationship each time. You're not naive, you're never naive, you're not as you thought but you've always been the baby i love most for real, for true, for everything sincerely!! I know i lied and broken your heart last year, i really didnt mean it! I dont know how am i suppose to described that to you but i really have no harm at all! :'( please dont keep that in your heart anymore baby..i've learned my lessons well enough, i really did, i really never hide anything behind you before!!! I'm not that kind of person, i'm never that kind of person especially towards my beloved, and you'd became my everything, i really didnt betray or taken you as a "toy" before either...my entire life, getting to know you is the most fortunate miracle incident happened, getting together with you, is my greatest happiness ever in my life...you're the only one who'd given me hope to feel "alive" and to be rely on, if you were no one to me, i'll never have you as part of my family, i'll never give whatever shares i've to you baby.. :'( I REALLY LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART BUT ISN'T FOR ANY ADVANTAGE AT ALL BABY......
You've been asking "would I be the man u used to know?", yes, that's my answer, because my heart and soul had never changed before. We both have done a lot for each other, we've been through a lot, whatever i've got from you, i'll never forget, and i'll never let go because you've got my heart and soul with you, if you leave me because of untrue stories, by my friends (so called), your friends, or whatever they're called, i'd rather have my life hanging with suffocation and depression everyday. I've begun to realize, i've no one to trust or to count on anymore...ever since i realized what you've told me before since a year back, i've begin to lose friends in my surrounding because EVEN my friends betrayed me by accusing me to my beloved, i do not know the motive, but all i know, i've been only believing in you ONLY all this while, there's no one that i could count on anymore! I'm realizing the friends i've can only become a "hi bye" or "to company" only, but isn't by heart having me as a their friend. Even 'you' have got me all wrong that i'm an a$$hole to you, i've lost everything, yet been keeping myself in the closet because everyone outside there are a threat to me. These days, i've been keeping myself very far away from many people, but only staying at home or going for class. Even the people i'm very close with, i rarely mix to them anymore, or even meeting them anymore, because of all the rumours and words spread off, till the one whom i love most, partially was because of this reason. I'm scare, i've fell into the dark hole again, my world is surrounded by dark circles, dark clouds everywhere, evils everywhere, the only people i see whose my saviour, only my family and YOU! I can bear, i said before that i can bear every pain without you take it, but i'll never get to bear the pain without you baby, i've never changed to somebody else before. I'm always the Alby whom you always want him to be, and love him. I know i've weaknesses that makes you thought i would be a burden to you in your life, i'm sorry, i didnt know i've been your burden this long before but as a whole, i've never needed you to have me as your burden instead as what the song sang, "The way we held each other's hands, the way we talked, the way we laughed, it felt so good to fall in love, and I knew right there and then that you were the one.....I'm so happy, so happy that your in my my life, and baby now that your a part of me, you've showed me, showed me the true meaning of love(the true meaning of love), and I know he loves me..".
I mean my words to you baby, without you, my life had became dull, i've no natural laughter because you're not around joking with me, my visions only seeing black and white or sepia colors, i'm always with the distraught and worried expression...i dont want them, i need you, i want you back, i'm ain't playing, i'm ain't making EMPTY PROMISES, i'm ain't a player at all, i couldn't afford to play the "love game", i can only have ONE heart, ONE life, ONE beloved, and ONE motive which is loving and understanding you, i would rather spend my lifetime for you....with you, my love ones...you're right, i could take everything from you because you love me very much you claimed, but i've never lied to you either, that you could take my life away too if you had someone else and hated me. You'd been ignoring me for the past 2-3weeks, i've been in total distraught mood for that long.
Don't hate me baby, don't hate me anymore, please love me, i need your love, please love me like how we used to love each other!!!!~ :'( bee have always been real to you baby...if it's true that you said to me that your love is true to me, waiting wouldn't waste anything much in my life, i'll wait for the true love from you to be in existence back...i've always see "our relationship" a miracle and it's all different from others, because of you, i love you for everything, i'll wait for you to forgive my silly mistakes...
I really mean every single word sang in the song to you baby!!! You beautify me and my life, i'll not miss this opportunity to let you know, you didnt just mean how much 'I love you' but i love you more than what it means because i love you for all i could in my life...and that's exclusively for you, my beloved!
p/s: "I believe in every phase of relationship between us, if we really love each other (no matter who loves who more or etc), it's always worth me doing/sacrificing anything for you for us baby...i really love you for real! And i miss you very very much too baby..."
I didn't lie, I haven't been fake, I never pretended to love you before, the one I truely love most is ONLY YOU baby!~ no matter what happens, what it is, you're still the one i still love only, and love...to the hypocrites who spreads rumours, teasers, stabbers...enough of your acts, you all have given me a miserable life that claimed I'm such a "good bf"! Thanks for the "help", but no thanks, save it for yourself...i'm still the original of myself that loves ONE all by my heart, and that person knows whom i'm referring to...baby, i'm still the who-you-know right up till today... :'( i miss you so much...
It's been another day, another day that i've been depressing, another day that i'm misses someone i been loving most, another day that it's tearsing again in the midnight missing someone so badly! Though today was a beautiful Sunday evening, the sunset was beautiful, the sun was very sunny, the feeling reminded me of the times when we were together. Just as how you shine your presence in my life, how you we'd been through the ups and downs together, most importantly, whatever that we've said to each other, i remembered each and every moment in detail...
Although i've hurt you last year, we've said to forgive and forget about the bad past and start all over again, even better than before. I believe in you, i always have been believe that you changes my life to a better life, you changes my everything including my mind, you gave the way i want my life to be...you gave me the best of everything i'd in life, your love..
I didn't lie, I didn't betray, I didn't have you for granted, I didn't fooled you before, I'd never taken you as a toy, I've never been fake to you too baby! My love has always been pure to you.. I only have you who I can be trusted, no one else that I could count on, no one as much as you because I love you all by my heart baby..i miss you very very much!~ _______________________________________________ For you: "I'm so happy, So happy that you're in my life And baby now that you're a part of me You showed me Showed me the true meaning of love And I know you loves me..." _______________________________________________
p/s: "I can't smile without you because i'll never find someone like you baby...when I hold your hands, I'll never gonna let you go as i promised and as it is in the picture in this post too..Happy Anniversary Baby"
My soul is lost somewhere else, i don't know where is it, but i know it's somewhere...which i'm forbid to be there! :'( i'm lost, where are you? I needed you so badly, where had you been, where are you baby? :'(
Time flies really fast, without noticing, years have passes by, and i'd my eyes opened to see many things in life. What most precious in my life is having you appearing to be in my life, i didn't lie yet i didn't fake around. I don't need to be fake to you no matter what it is baby. The moment i hold your hand and you were hold, i've told you before, i'll never gonna let you go...it's been years i've been saying it over to you, i mean my words because i really love you very, very, very much! My love for you had never changed since before, thus, i love you more each day since those days..i know i've hurt you before, i'm apologizing a billion and infinity of times! I miss you really very much baby..i remembered Twilight the movie, you said you hoped that we could be as lovely as them in the movie in our relationship, i promised i said we will be, and no matter how hard it is for me, i'll still make it happen because you're part of my life that as though the both of them in the movie! No matter how or what, i've never stopped loving you before, i've really been very serious towards the relationship, it's for you, this is all for you, to believe and to trust, "Alby, is still always been the one you claimed to miss and that loves very much..". I'd never betrayed you in my life before, never, i'd never lied to you about the past before either, never, i'd never been regretted of whatever happened within us, but to be more loving over you EXCLUSIVELY JUST FOR YOU ONLY my baby...
I've tonnes to tell you, we've tonnes of things haven't been done together yet and i've so much more love haven't been expressed to you yet too baby... I love you for real baby, please forget of the past and let us start all over again! You've shine me in my life, i don't wanna lose someone we both know having "you love me and i love you for real..", we must keep to our words.. I kept to my words, and i'm also changing to be a better person for you baby!
It was written on somewhere for me on the 1st October 2006, do you remember this? I will nver forget this post you wrote to me! You ONLY wanted my LOVE, i'm going to tell you, you'd ALL my LOVE already baby...i've kept things well in good condition and i still have this with me, you claimed you eventually found "the person" you always wanted, which is ME. Right till today, i love and i definitely still care for each and everything of you baby, I'm definitely the person you'd always wanted, and i'll change my bad habits for a better times together.. Don't go baby, please don't go, don't leave me here all alone in my days and nights without you but just tears, i don't want to live without you baby.. :'( a night that matches my feelings, raining heavily now!~ goodnight everyone...
????? - Wang Lee Hom This song comes in a very deep truth meaning to me, because of you, i never knew this song, because of you, i'll never fall for you so much deeply, because you dedicated this to me, i promised, i'll always love you and today, i promised, for whatever that we've lost, we'll find it back and i'll never gonna hurt you like those days anymore! For you, i'll never give up in this magnificent relationship and times i have with you...i'll just have you only baby...Love ya...
p/s: "I do not want to waste any chances or time available as i'm fortunate to have you in my life, you will always be, and i always will love you as how we were used to be the sweetest couple ever...I LOVE you sincerely baby.."
Depression. It really kills me and the pain is really pain into the heart. What happened these days? I encountered people telling me there're hypocrites in my surrounding/around me. Why? What have i done to "you people"? Have i ever touched any single thing of your life? NEVER! The worst was saying that i'm being disloyal or a worst word to say, i betrayed and scandal around and also accusing me that i've been hiding the truth that i used to be with somebody i'm close with for sometime? Are you people having mental disorder? Why are you all making my life way much more miserable? :'( *tears drip while confessing* WTF HAVE I DONE TO YOU GUYS AND WHY SHOULD YOU PEOPLE GAVE ME A FUCK UP LIFE? I'm losing trust within the people in my surrounding! The people i trust and love most has always been with me eventhough if there were hypocrites or we'll ignore them together, but i don't have it now, :'(, all i need is your love baby! I've never been this "betrayed" before, i couldn't take it! Who shall i trust? Who shall i share it with? :'( ONLY you....i'm ain't a fucking bastard, i'm ain't like those fucking asshole who spreads the fucking rumours around kind of person! I neither have the time with these fuckers! Why are you fuckers giving me such a miserable life?! I've done nothing...............nothing...............of those before!!!~
My dad had a talk with me earlier, it was random, but at least they knew no matter what i do, i'll never overboard or even won't turned to be how bad as i was accused to be! You're the one i love most, and also the who suppose to know me most too, i've never been filled with so much of love before, that only happen to be YOU who had been giving it to me baby! It's your love, everything that you gave me is what i wanted....i know i may not be your Mr.Perfect baby, but i'll really improvised myself to be a better person! What's really true i've never been fake, cheating on you or lied before!! :'( i've never even have any thought of taking ANY advantage on my love ones before, and it'll never happen on you too! I'd really been serious and true to you..
Your grasp in my hand fills me most with love, you made me feel most and the safest to be with baby..please trust me, i'm never gonna hurt you like those days anymore! I've learn my lesson sufficiently, i don't need anymore lesson to experience, what i've been saying is been true to you, and it isn't a single word is a lie too! I miss you so much, i miss you like crazy, i miss you grasping my hand too baby... :'( i really had never lied or anything that shows i dis-love you before..
nothing more that i can say! life is just so meaningful with all of my friends! nevertheless, i'll appreciate my life & my family & friends in order to keep myself surviving for a longer time happily then....
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