God Bless . . .

I really dont know where shall I start, where shall I continue from, for my assignments and FYP! My mind is just not working, and I really don't feel like continuing this anymore... I felt like stopping my studies! I'm so moodless and feeling restless over my days of life.. Sigh.. can someone tell me or lead me till the end of the semester? I'm really lost, lost in life, lost of aim and everything! I'm feeling really really restless over the days.. Becoming a spoilt brat, spending my money non-stop and spoiling my health, as well as myself! I'm really fucked-up! Having a fuck up life that nobody would understand. Wanting a life I wish to, is just so hard and suffocating to achieve to make it return! What a night...doing NOTHING! Goodnight and God bless me...

-[aLbY]-

Nothing's gonna change my love for you.

For the one I love, but not with me..

If I had to live my life without you near me
The days would all be empty
The nights would seem so long
With you I see forever oh so clearly
I might have been in love before
But it never felt this strong

Our dreams are young
And we both know they'll take us
Where we want to go

(Chorus 1)
Hold me now
Touch me now
I don't want to live without you

(Chorus 2)
Nothing's gonna change my love for you
You ought know by now how much I love you
One thing you can be sure of
I'll never ask for more than your love

(Chorus 3)
Nothing's gonna change my love for you
You ought know by now how much I love you
The world may change my whole life through
But nothing's gonna change my love for you

If the road ahead is not so easy,
Our love will lead the way for us
Like a guiding star
I'll be there for you if you should need me
You don't have to change a thing
I love you just the way you are
So come with me and share the view
I'll help you see forever too

(Repeat Chorus 1)

(Repeat Chorus 2)

(Repeat Chorus 3)

(Repeat Chorus 2) (2X)

(Repeat Chorus 3)

(Repeat Chorus 2)

-[aLbY]-

Ni na me ai ta . . .

I dreamt of something, I recall this clearly though it was a hard day I been thru, it was about me having a happier life with you. Nevertheless, I knew that to you, miracle isn't a thing to happen on me, but I just couldn't do it at all. I don't want to live for the rest of my life like now. Sam Li has always been my favorite artist, I remembered the first time I heard of his song was with you, and you were the one that I knew who Sam Li is and fell for his songs although you've told me you don't really favor his songs. If you eventually remember what I mean, which moment was it when the album was launched at that time...what were we, what do we do, and how are we, but unlike today, like now...so lonesome and unhappy. This is how much I love you till...

Anyhow, coming back to reality, I've only a month more to hand in my FYP. Guessed what? I hoped I won't screw it up as it contributes the most to my certificate class! Sigh, 4assgmt + 1FYP which I've not started anything, I just have no more motivation to continue the finals to complete my studies. My motivation to study is fading off day by day, week by week, and I'm getting spoilt week by week, especially to my health and....anyway, wish me best of luck readers! I hope I could graduate gracefully by end year with what I want to get for my cert next year..

-[aLbY]-

Another day...

Another day, or weekend..watching the sunrise from dark to morning! My eyes and body are terribly tired. What can i do besides "getting wasted"? ='( goodnight & good morning to those whose already awake! I miss....something in life!

Sorrow life..

I really thought I'm the heartless ghost, don't know how to understand others, or even remembering things (important event)... I really can't take it anymore, there's no wrong missing one who don't miss you, but missing one so badly till it kept me awake and didn't want to get home every night yet stayed up till sunrise, I'm collapsing! I can't afford to play the "game" anymore, I admitted to be a loser, I'm unable to play such "heavy heart" game anymore! I always thought there's a point of why I'm still so much in love with one person, one that changes my life, that beautify my love, one whom I always think of, missing, and love so much although there's no respond and even watching them with their other half (new)! I've been feeling such restless, helpless, HOPELESS and USELESS all this 7months (coming soon)! I really thought that "true love" does exist and everything is true...I really still pursuing myself that it's true that you DO MISS ME, DO THINK OF ME, DO LOVE ME, but tonight, I realized its all pointless (maybe I'm deserved to be treated this way). My heart is broken, my heart aches so terribly, I've thought of many events inviting "someone" to join/go together, but I have to deserve to be like this, I know I'm often 'nobody' or 'no one' to anybody! :'( I've said to post up something really soon before, but I don't think it mean anything anymore now...

I wanted to leave this place very soon, the soonest I could... because I've been fooling myself all this while, and also realized there's no point of living with all my sorrowful alone that I've always been true to everyone! I know I don't deserve anything, everybody gets bored with me, gets suckup/fuckup with/while being with me, and no life being in my surrounding. No one ever feels me! No one ever understands me! No one ever loves me! No one ever care or know-the-real-me! :'(

FYP due coming soon, 4 more assignments to go, 4 more exams to go, I've a bad feeling something bad is gonna happen to me, I couldn't share it because I'm not suppose to although I used to share everything to someone, but now, no one at all! I'm seriously very weak, very very weak! I've never fallen down till like this before like last thursday! I wasn't drunk at all, but I just collapse like that! :'( I never expected anything much from anybody before, but just something long lasting! Some concern, some love only...why is it has to make "suffocation" exist and "breakdown" happened! :'( I'm in severe suffocation from living everyday like this, and sleepless night!~ Do you know that I really love you????

-[aLbY]-

<

I miss you!

I am MISSING YOU so much!!! ='(

-[aLbY]-

Feeling emotional...

I'm emotional tonight, it's so hard to put myself to bed! I really couldn't do it at all. The reminiscence of the past kept crossing by my mind and I couldn't forget or let it go at all! I can't put myself to bed at all, its 6++am right now, I've class at 9am till 6pm! :'( what can I do when my "other half" have moved on? What can I do to make myself like someone? How am I able to let go and forget the past when I've been thinking of you all the time? I really can't do it at all, although I'm being forced to let it go...why am I such a loser? Such a loser to everything...

Another scariest moment, my FYP is about to due during the mid of Oct09, and it's already towards the end of Aug09. I couldn't put my mind onto the FYP at all! I've been trying all these while, though I've been walking the journey of life all by myself, but you kept playing apart as the shadow which follows me like how we used to be together.. :'( It's very suffocating, I don't know how much longer I could bear this feeling and continue my daily life with all my tired and strenghtless attitude! Come to this, I almost met in an accident last evening while I was fetching my mom back home after visiting granny from the hospital in KL. While passing by the Old Klang Road outside Taman Desa, I actually doze off a few times, but I kept myself awake, before the traffic light, eventually I doze off and my front tyre ramp up the divider. Mom yelled and woke me up and said, "you actually slept while you drove just now? Haven't you been sleeping?..." I only nod my head and kept myself awake after that till I got back, and took 2+hours nap before I was out for dinner...I knew it's stupid, I knew everybody think that I'm stupid,...I just can't close my eyes while my mind has been thinking of "someone" all the time...maybe I'm still immature, "could take things, but not letting it go...". Everything we went thru together, has made my life today such a spoilt brat today... :'( I don't want it to be like this, but how? What can I do other than repeating my routine everyday and every week?!

Goodnight people, goodnight...I shall pen-off now, and will fulfill my words to do my write out as it's told in the previous post!

Lonesome,
-[aLbY]-

Soon...

I've something to confessed, thou there're many readers who reads my blog. Thanks for visiting and the concern, but I've something to confessed really soon, as soon as when I've the right time to do the write up. I really need to do so, though I know many have been concerning and wondering who am I writing for, don't ask, I appreciated that, because I didn't want it to be known, not even personally, cause I guess I just wanted to confessed it all out with some rights for myself...as I'm feeling very uncomfy, in the heart, which many been wondering, but I just wanted some privacy for myself because I know somethings, aren't going on smoothly...and not coming back to me too! :'( nobody will understand how I'd feel...including the one who loves me most as well as my family! Thanks for reading this nonsense post but it'll be up really soon...

Goodnight!

-[aLbY]-

Insomnia...again!

I don't like the feeling, I don't like the imagination I'd in my mind that keeps running here and there, FOOLING me! I can't take it, it's so tiring, my brain is feeling of to blast! "Human being never get what they wanted." Even no matter how committed I am, how much I've been thinking and missing one, others just never feels it! :'( especially when I'm alone at all time, when I have my eyes shut, I could see them in my dreams that they're always together.......everywhere! I really can't take it anymore....insomnia, reminiscence of the past, everything..............I hate myself for real! Why am I so determine, why am I not turning bad even if I'm trying hard to do it and to prove it? I wants to be a bad guy! I wants to be an asshole and just get spoilt! Though I've been spending overly within this 6months, but it isn't the worst yet! WHY I CAN NEVER LET IT GO AND FORGET IT WHEN OTHERS CAN!! Such a loser....such a lamer! Where's my beautiful 23rd?! Why am I still desolated and isolated till today?! I hate the feeling.......

Apart from that, my hair...SIGH...I'm really a saddist! Though many said that I looked good with my head bald like this or SHORT as this, but....seriously, I'm only a 22y/o adult! I need my youth life like any others where they can have their hair style and dyed! It's really heartbreaking each time i see myself comparing with the others especially those in my surrounding, at times many been teasing me a bald headed or NO HAIR, it really irritates me so much where i can barely say a word for myself! SADDIST! People just disliking me for being who i am, and what i am in the physical! There's a cure for it or maybe there is, but.....its too expensive for it! Parents aren't really liking me to take all this! People in my surrounding DONT CARE either,.... :'( what a sad night, what a sad youth, what a sad of myself. All i have is my blog, all i have is my blog that often kept me company and expressed all my feelings out! Nobody will understand, NO BODY WILL cause NO BODY cares! I'm tired of pretending nothing in front of everybody....I'm tired, and very very tired! It's so exhausting of wanting to make one to forgive you for your stupid mistake, for one to accept you for who you are, for others to be please to you, for others to be able to accept you and for others to understand ME! Why can't SOMEONE just understand me at all!! :'( life is just so.....difficult to move on! No matter how much one have experienced or been thru...

-[aLbY]-

Why?

Why is that so hard to be loved by you, and for you to understand that i truely love you and had never been faked to you before? Why can't we get back although we've been missing each other and still loving each other? Why you can never open your heart back for me to love you at all? Did you know that it's so hard to live with a life you forcing me to let it go and acted nothing happened when i really love you so much?! :'( SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME!!! I'd enough of the tiring and loitering life from night till day! I'm weaker! God, stop fooling me anymore...please!!! It's very suffocating living like this everyday including normal days with no classes the next day or no activities even if i could rest longer, i'm still sleeping at 6+am!

-[aLbY]-

18-08-09: 6months . . .

It's been 6months, time flies, everything in the surrouding kept changing, but there is something which is still the same which i would want to share with. I know it's been sometime, though the duration can be considered long or maybe short, it depends how the individual would take it, but something never changed. I know that you were living alone waiting, and waiting, same goes to me, but there's something i would want to say here, "I love you, I love you till no matter how I couldn't stop loving you! I couldn't force myself to stop loving you too although at times I told myself for being stupid for loving you so much, till the end, I'm still loving you.." It isn't easy at all to really love one, and I've never said a single gossip about you neither been spreading any rumour unlike the hypocrites which has nothing better to do. Nevertheless, I've been asking yet still been seeking for your forgiveness cause I need you,...and I wanted you back! I know there were many stupid stories spreading around, but never left out my principal towards the relationship that I've never betrayed you before! Though I've made mistakes before in the past, but I've always bear that in mind that it'll never gonna be repeated again. 6months, 6months before the date today is the day we were separated, yet today, you're still playing a role in my heart, not just that, but part of myself. I've never give up on you before...we've been thru alot, really many things together, if love is so easily to fade off after so many years of being together, that wouldn't be love, but fake love, but I knew the "love" between us, are true, that we were suffering alot without each other within this 6months time. I know it's stupid to do this, it's stupid to wait, to depress, or to be anti-social or what so ever, but you're always the one that comes into my mind! The phrase written above in color font are words truely from my heart, I never fooled you, neither lied or being fake, but all I want is getting back by your side to be together happily...I love you baby, I couldn't deny I never think of you everyday and night, all I need is just another hope from you to me for us...that's all I've hoped for, our relationship...I hoped you could read this, and don't ignore me anymore...My love for you have never been faked before, it's all true and it's the true love that I've always been proving to you...and for that, and those we've been through are the memories that you'll never forget which I've never let you go before...I'm missing you so badly!~ :'( I love you..

Love,
-aLbY-

Suffocation.

Its been awhile, 6months, i really cant do it at all! :'( i wants to leave this place and be extinct! i want to have my brain wash everything in my life and forget of everything and live alone...no matter how true or how much i love you, you will never know that I LOVE YOU TRUELY.........i know im a disaster to you and everybody, im an emotional person, im known as one today, i admitted, but i've never said anything to anybody except keeping it to myself! :'( i really cant take it anymore, its very tiring and heartbreaking...can i just be extinct from Earth??????

-[aLbY]-

내 머리가 나빠서

1month, 3months, 5months, 1year? 2years? 3years? No matter how much I love you, in the end, I was still thought I never love you and appreciate you. I know it's only a few years to you, alright, I'll turn bad so that you wont need to suffer since I'm being hatred so much! I'm not a good guy, good friend, or a good boyfriend too! I know I deserve to be treated like this and to be alone...

Anyhow, Happy Birthday to my beloved mommy, I'll always love you and wishing you best of health and long life staying with me... I love you mom!!~

-[aLbY]-

Never know...

I'm very tired, I'm very unhappy, I'm very lonely...so what if I misses someone who doesnt know. You'll never know... ='( I'm exhausted, I'm very very exhausted yet I've been pretending go front of everyone that Alby is GOOD! NO I'M NOT! I'm getting weaker and weaker day by day...and I've to bring out a mask out to show everybody I'm in good situation! I need my 'pillow'! I need it to hug to sleep peacefully like I was a baby! ='( I cant bear it anymore, it's very suffocating... What can I do to ease the pain in the heart & mind???

All these years...

All these years, I've been loving you so much, in the this is what we'd became..?? I gotta love one all by myself only from now on... :'(



You, take all of my life off for loving you so much... :'(

-[aLbY]-

Happy Birthday To Me - 25/07/09

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to Alby,
Happy Birthday to ME...

I'm officially 22 now everyone, not 25, 27, 29, 32, or a daddy yet too! Those will be the days I'll pass thru later on...so wish me Happy 22nd Birthday! Thanks to all the friends/buddies/bro/sis/family/relatives which have celebrated birthday with me as well as greeted me on my birthday! I appreciate all the goodwills from all of y'll! Thank you very very very much...

p/s: More update of my birthday coming soon! Stay tune...

-[aLbY]- @ Birthday Boy

Everyday...

Its been a long time. I've been sleeping early morning everyday. EVERYDAY! Like what? 6am? 7am? Or 8am? Well, i couldn't change my appearance at all! Mature? Old? Worsten? Tired? Godlike which most have been saying? Im still myself in the end but...something is just not right and its missing in my life? Health is getting worsten by the days come.. ='( goodnight everybody who has been reading on my blog! Sweet dreams to those 'night rider'..sweet dreams & take care peopl! ='(

WHY?

I've a dedication of song for you. I knew it could be bored to you as most of the words I've mentioned it before as in the lyrics, but all these are true words from me which is the same, as well as my heart is still the same to you, I still love my baby as much as before...

(with 3T)

(Michael)
Why does Monday, come before Tuesday
Why do summers start in June
Why do winters come too soon
Why do people fall in love
When they're always breaking up, oh why
Why do we love if love will die

Why does Wednesday come after Tuesday
Why do flowers come in May
Why springtime go away
Why do people fall in love
When they're always breaking up, oh why
Why do I love you tell me why

(TJ)
It's not like I can explain what's in my heart
It's just I feel a crazy pain when we're apart
I don't wanna breathe, I don't wannna think
I don't wanna learn
I don't wanna do anything

(Taryll)
It's not like I can describe what's going on
It's just I feel I'm not alive
When you're not home
I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna be
(TAJ)
I just want you here beside me
Without you there's no me

(Michael)
Why does Monday come before Tuesday
Why do summers start in June
Why do winters come too soon
Why do people fall in love
When they're always breaking up, oh why
Why do we love if love will die

(Michael & Taryll)
Why does Wednesday come after Tuesday
Why do flowers come in May
Why does springtime go away
Why do people fall in love
When they're always breaking up, oh why
Why do I love you tell me why

(TJ)
It's not like I can escape, what's in my soul
Cause without you inside my heart
Where can I go
(Taryll)
I don't wanna see, girl you without me
I can't go through life without you
(TAJ)
Without you there's no me

(All)
Why does Monday come before Tuesday
Why do summers start in June
Why do winters come too soon
Why do people fall in love
When they're always breaking up, oh why
Why do we love if love will die

(Taryll)
Why do the rivers flow to the sea
In every flow I get your love over me, babe
Why does my heart miss your kiss
To be in love, to fall in love
Why don't I feel complete

(All)
Why does Monday come before Tuesday
Why do summers start in June
Why do winters come too soon
Why do people fall in love
When they're always breaking up, oh why
Why do I love tell me why

(TJ)
Tell me why
(TAJ)
Tell me why
(Taryll)
Tell me why
(Michael)
Tell me why

-----------------------------------------

Of all these years, X has been very sensitive at most time, X couldn't resist if anybody gets close to Y, each time when Y has A, B or etc gets closer, X would get upset but when Y knows that X is being sensitive or also can be known as "jealous", Y said X didn't trusted Y. X thought of it that X shouldn't be that sensitive if X really loves Y as X wanted this relationship to be sustained for a very very long time. Therefore, X begin to be more positive, didn't really bother A, B or others existing anymore...both X & Y has very wide network of friends. Sad to say, there were many "unexpected circumstances" happened within the years, X have been accused over the years by many people that X isn't loyal to Y, X isn't a good partner, X treated Y very badly, X is not worthy, X is a player, X is just a useless person. Y was influenced many times, both X & Y argued terribly because of the rumours and hypocrites even during their "cold war" (brokeup situation). X had thank all those who tried destroying X's lifetime precious with Y too!

In the end, Y is also the decision maker whether to trust X or don't. But Y did told X before that "why shall we listen to others rumours/hypocrite as only the both of us knows whats happening?". X had even put higher hope onto the relationship because of this. But X has always been in dilemma because those hypocrites have been poisoning Y of X a liar, X is just faking to take Y for granted and etc. Nevertheless, Y trusted them because Y believe that third parties words are right at one point. X have been avoiding from meeting/bumping onto the hypocrites, but eventually Y was told that X is just fooling Y. Both X & Y argued terribly because of the hypocrites, Y continued to hate X because of the hypocrites & the "history" between them, X been trying to hold things and changed things back as before as though when Romeo was going after Juliet moment. Y didn't want to listen to X at all, X has been telling Y everything and apologizing for the reluctance X have done towards Y and forgive X and believe in X because X loves Y for the lifetime X wanted since the both have made many commitments to make this relationship to move further by another step. Y still insist not forgiving X, X have been trying over the months to save the precious relationship since they broke up until today, but on the other side, X knew that Y met Z and begin to get closer to Z. X knew that Z & Y are colleagues, X always believe that Y loves X very much, and even Y have made the commitment that no matter who it is, nobody could replace X because X is the one that Y will only love...X believe in Y in that case because Y have made such commitment towards X! X is very happy with the promise made by Y.

As day passes by, Z knew that Y & X have been arguing, Z have been accompanying Y all the time, X isn't in the picture at all, but sooner or later, X realized Y & Z begin to gets even closer day by day. X have been loving Y a lot, X have never stopped chasing Y back before because of all the commitments they made together which what both of them wanted in order to sustain the relationship to live together happily under the same roof which Y initially knows about it! But with Z's existing,...X never be in the picture anymore. X's heart is severely damaged now, X haven't been sleeping well over the months missing Y, thinking of Y, chasing Y back although Y have been rejecting X all these while, but X's determination has never been turn down before yet X is still in strong determination for this relationship because of all the things they have been through all these years. X loves Y very much deeply, but X don't know why does Y knows X over the years, but Y don't seems to get it through by Yself that X is really the one that have loved and being true over Y. There are many things spinning in Y's mind, X isn't a perfectionist, X isn't a 100% perfect partner, but X have been through so much with Y as compared to Z, X & Y should deserve to be together as many likes and also dislikes us being together. Y has been very good towards X, Y have isolated the words of A, B and others, then continue with X, but till an extend, Y begin to have ONLY negative thought in the mind. X is depressed, X has been worrying why does Y only has the negative thought but not thinking it positively instead.

X have been tearsing everyday and night over the months, craving to hope that Y allow the both of them to get back because X wants to have and live with Y only. X loves Y till the bottom of the heart, although the severe damage of the heart is in existing, but X never expected anything EXTRA other than Y's love and care before. X didn't want any gift, money or fame provided Y is by X's side. X have confessed to Y and everybody before that X didn't want to live without Y! Y did confessed to X personally before too...that's why the loveship by X to Y is still strong no matter what happens right up till today and hoped that Z would get out of Y's life, so that Y would consider to let X get back together with Y. X is always stupid doing all the stupid things, if X is really stupid for loving Y, then Y shall prove to X that X is stupid all these years...

2more upcoming meaningful event is coming soon..wondered how would it be this year? I shall pen-off by now. Nitez...

-[aLbY]-

One day in your life . . .

One day in your life
you'll remember a place
Someone's touching your face
You'll come back and you'll look around you

One day in your life
You'll remember the love you found here
You'll remember me somehow
Though you don't need me now
I will stay in your heart
And when things fall apart
You'll remember one day...

One day in your life
When you find that you're always waiting
For the love we used to share
Just call my name
And I'll be there

(Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh...)

You'll remember me somehow
Though you don't need me now
I will stay in your heart
And when things fall apart
You'll remember one day...

One day in your life
When you find that you're always longing
for the love we used to share
Just call my name
And I'll be there

(Ohh...)

p/s: I've a confession to make for you baby, things you may never know how much I love you and how much you mean to me, it has almost been 5months coming soon. As what it is until today, one day in your life, when you call my name, i'll be there for you anytime back cause I love you with a heart that purely been loving you truthfully, it's stupid, I know, I also know many who reads this think that it's just all lies, I'm faking it, alright, I won't care any of their view on me cause my love for you since the day we begin, you've got my words right until today, I've never changed it or make it unreal before, "I'll never gonna let my hands of you.." I've always been alone, without you realizing, I've been missing you so badly, I knew that you'll hate one for long, and tell me about it, if my love for you all these years including all the things i've done for you, to you, are all fake, then i'll be forgotten, or else, as what it is sang in the song, "One day in your life", call for my name, and I'll be there for you, once and for all my life...loving you truthfully and faithfully! My love for you, is still the same although you weren't around, I'd been suffocating from tears, believe it or not I'm still telling you the truth that I love you baby....and I miss you very very very much!~

Love,
-bEE-

If you don't know me by now...

If you dont know me by now
You will never never never know me

All the things that weve been through
You should understand me like I understand you
Now girl I know the difference between right and wrong
I aint gonna do nothing to break up our happy home
Oh dont get so excited when I come home a little late at night
Cos we only act like children when we argue fuss and fight

If you dont know me by now (if you dont know me)
You will never never never know me (no you wont)
If you dont know me by now
You will never never never know me

Weve all got our own funny moods
Ive got mine, woman youve got yours too
Just trust in me like I trust in you
As long as weve been together it should be so easy to do
Just get yourself together or we might as well say goodbye
What good is a love affair when you cant see eye to eye, oh

If you dont know me by now (if you dont know me)
You will never never never know me (no you wont)
If you dont know me by now (you will never never never know me)
You will never never never know me (ooh)

p/s: Did you know how much I'm missing you, you make me tears so much every night, could you please not ignore, abandoned or reluctant of me baby? I'm suffocating, everything, and I DID NOT PRETEND NOR BEING FAKE BEFORE as what you thought and as what all the surrounding says! :'( why is it to have a life with you is so difficult since its been over the years...i love you baby! I seriously love you with all my heart! :'(

-[aLbY]-