Manimal - They're smelly, African and think they're anteaters. Behold the aardvark - God's daftest invention since man-boobs...
WE BOTH EAT bananas, love masturbating and look hilarious when riding miniature bicycles, so it's no real surprise that man is related to monkey. However, the breaking news that we're cousins to this omnivorous ball of skin shocked us to the bone. Professor Terence Robinson of the University of Stellenbosch, South Africa, has traced homo-sapiens all the way down the evolution ladder to the very first mammals on earth. And it turns out hundreds of millions of years ago we were all aardvarks, or "Earth Pigs" as they're known to the rest of the world. This is a truly horrible revelation, as the little that mankind knows about these "Tubulidentatta" insinuates they're truly pathetic swine.
Despite havin the DNA structure of a small elephant, they pretend they're anteaters, destroy ant nests and lick up 50,000 ands a night with their 50cm-long tongue. What's more, they're anteater size and not remotely elephantish.
On top of this, their teeth are utterly rubbish. They're as hard as a Fruit Polo and have no roots. This means if they bite anything harder than an ant, they lose a tooth. No onwder you've never seen an aardvark eating crusty bread.
Their feet are equally as freaky, with a half-hoof for running and a half-claw for digging/attacking ants. Ant they're attached to short fat bald legs.
And did we mention their pathetic "woof"? They bark like a dog, but it's so high-pitched and squeaky, humans can barely hear it, and no known animal is actually scared by it.
On the upside, they build the most advanced housing in the animal kingdom. These 13m-deep cribs have up to 20 doorways, with as many as ten separate rooms and a luxury bathroom.
However, they're more inept in dealing with squatters than our local council. Bats, squirrels, hares, aardwolves, pythons, crocodiles,cats, civets (huh?), hyenas, jackals, porcupines, warthogs, monitor lizards and owls will sit outside an aardvark's galf all day, waiting for him to get up for his nightly eight-mile stroll. Then these gypos move their family into Mr Earth Pig's borrow and take over. When he returns, he's too scared to turf the pikey scum out, so he digs a hole and buries himself until the problem goes away. Once he can't breath, he'll come out to get eaten his unwanted houseguests. Truly deplorable.
P/S: C'mon guys & gals, comment on this manimal and tell me about it what do you feel and how do you feel about this creature? =P
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