I'm feeling very paranoid lately, very paranoid. I do not know what is myself and where am i standing on Earth. I felt i'm left out at a corner yet everyone, i mean EVERYONE is having their "life" now. Maybe we should call it simple life instead. I'm a complicated person, a very very very complicated person, thats what people saying this days. I do not even know that myself is as complicated as it was thought. No wonder i've been lonely all this while, paranoid in the night, tearsing asking "why, why and why...?" I really dont know why am i feeling so paranoid lately. Tears when i'm alone, tears during the midnight and before sleep. EAch day i'm feeling even tired and exhausted. Beginning to feel i'm in an empty space alone. I tried, and tried and have been trying to get something back but.....i dont know but, i'm lost, i'm confuse, i'm somewhere hanging in the middle in the air, couldn't find my "simple life". Simple life is what everyone wanted, i'm still seeking for it but what's most important, I am not complicated! Its been sometime including my friends and family including someone which i still love and cared, should have known me well, should've known what and who i am, am i really such a complicated or who gives trouble to others kind of people? :'( i need someone, i need "someone" to be by my side to keep me courage and energy. Afterall, u know me best, u know me well, i'm sorry for what happened, i'm awake from the fairytale, i'll not repeat the old silly mistakes anymore, if only i could have u back in my arms...
Goodnight everyone...
p/s: "I'm missing something, something very valuable to me, but eventually "it" thought "it" isn't valuable to me anymore...i miss u, for real, if u dont believe me"
I'm feeling terribly lonely, sad, exhausted and lost now... My bro is not around, sister is not around too, only my parents... I'm all alone... :( I need "someone's" help...
I dont know what can I do when I miss you so much.. :'( Goodnight everyone...
I see you beside me It's only a dream, A vision of what used to be The laughter, the sorrow Pictures in time Fading to memories.
How could I ever let you go Is it too late to let you know
I tried to run from your side But each place I hide It only reminds me of you When I turn out all the light Even the night It only reminds me of you... you...
I needed my freedom That's what I thought But I was a fool to believe My heart cried while you cried Rivers of tears but I was too blind to see
Everything we've been though before Now it means so much more
I tried to run from your side But each place I hide It only reminds me of you When it turn out all the light Even the night It only reminds me of you...
Only you... So come back to me I'm down on my knees Can't you see...
How could I ever let you go Is it too late to let you know
I tried to run from your side But each place I hide It only reminds me of you When it turn out all the light Even the night it only reminds me of you... you
Its been 3months, there's nothing much to reveal or whatsoever, some people used this term as "watever" heheh where ever i go, it'll only reminds me of you. I wondered, i really have been wondering, would you think of me where ever we'd been together before, or whenever it is. Honestly, i really do, but the worst thing is that i couldn't do anything about it! :( laying on the bed everyday and night, thinking whether will i have anymore chance to do what i used to hug u to sleep, or had pillow talked with u before sleep. Hugging seems to be a very normal act to anyone, but hugging someone u love so much, is something special, something very special which no one could describe but u'll eventually get 'addict' to it. Some may think its nonsense that i'm writing now, probably its useless, or maybe stupid, but i've got to admit that, this is what 'you' mean to me. I may mean nothing to anyone, but i couldn't deny to say out the truth that indeed, u've always been in my heart. No doubt although i've hurt u before, but all this time, including this 3months post, its' all truely from my heart. Although i couldn't wish you face-by-face nor sms, its the 1yrs10mths anniversary, but i'll only wish you here, happy 20th month anniversary my love...i've been missing you so much, and will always love you...
The closer I get to you The more you make me see By giving me all you got Your love has captured me
Over and over again I tried to tell myself that we Could never be more than friends And all the while inside I knew it was real The way you make me feel
Lying here next to you Time just seems to fly Needing you more and more Let's give love a try
Oh Sweeter and sweeter love grows And Heaven's there for those Who fool the tricks of time With the hearts of love, they find true love In a special way
The closer I get to you The more you make me see By giving me all you got Your love has captured me
Over and over again I tried to tell myself that we Could never be more than friends And all the while inside I knew it was real The way you make me feel
The closer I get to you The feeling comes over me Me too Pulling closer, sweet as the gravity
It has been quite sometime since i last ate butter cake, i miss butter cake so much! I miss the chocolate butter cake u used to baked for me to eat!!~ I miss u lots...
I jz need u to be with me, i'm feeling things are getting worst in the surrounding this days. I realized "shadow" is whats left, somehow some thing is moving further away from me. There's nothing that i can do to hold someone's heart, i felt useless of myself. Is there a point missing and wondering what the person i love doing everyday and night? Can someone assist me, what to do? What can i do to get things back? :'(
I realise i'm not good enough, in terms of everything especially in talent as well as the whole of myself. I'm really not as good as so many in the surrounding. I seems to be a total failure. Lately i found out something mysterious, the mysterious is so much of talent! I'm really a failure! Thats why i'm here alone, tonight, updating the blog while i'm falling sick soon with my thick eye bags, i'm never good enough for anyone...
I realise i've lost in this "game" where everyone take this as a game, but to me it's never a game! I dont know how should i express my feelings, but it's jz as if i lost myself...again even if i love one so much. I remember a phrase, 'once a loser, forever a loser." I've lost in this game, lost everything now, i'm a loser, and everyone see how i lose it! Even no matter how strong i am towards anything, especially in my relationship, i'll still lose it! I'm lost and alone...i'm lonely, and i'm distraught walking alone too. I dont know what's loving and missing someone so badly, i dont understand what's me, myself and i, i definitely won't know who i am anymore too. Perhaps, i should be MIA to the third world alone although i'd never give up on u before. But i know i deserve to be all alone since u've ignored me, even when u've always been in my heart... *tears..*
Lost, i'm lost tonight! Lost of love, lost of care, lost of hugs, lost of touch, lost of someone i always love! *S.O.S* I just want to say how much i really love you in my heart...whatever you've lost, i lost too, whatever i wanna gain is the trust towards my love and sincerity for u coz i wanna proof whats the three words mean and how much u mean to me too!
I chose to walk with you from the beginning, i'd never regretted to be with you before. Right up till today, i'm still holding on for you cause there's nothing more i could express besides saying "i love you"..., it may not mean anything to you anymore, but there's nothing mean more than you compared to anything. Would you let me hold your hand back? *tears* i dont know........... *tears* i only know that, missing one whom u can barely see and love so much, the feeling is as if i'm being stabbed in the heart by the besties!
Yesterday was the first day of class in a brand new semester, not too bored, but still bored! Half way of the last class, i left early for servicing and repair for my SLK. Reached to the place at 4pm, only get to leave at 6.30pm, having dinner at 8pm! The dinner was ok, the ambience..., isn't as before but it's still fun and enjoyable. After dinner everyone left, after fetching two of my friends back, i didn't wanna go back home, so i went to the mamak alone. One of the friend came to keep my company for 45mins, then left, and i was alone again. I wasn't feeling well during at the mamak, till i got back home, i was having terrible headache and *swing*, so i took a short bath and slept after that. Sad...sad...lonely...sick...heartache...missing someone...sIgh!~ I miss u....but i know....
Lately i learnt this from my friend, "chen rak te". It's ok if y'll don't understand this word :D to those who knows this word, ya, thanks for reading this post. Its not necessary to spend your time reading my blog, but this is where i start, where i'll end too. Anyhow, people u may be wondering what's this post all about? Nothing much really, its jz about the music u're listening right now...sit, relax and enjoy! Whatever feeling that gives y'll while listening to this music, go ahead and think about it. To me, there's jz sadness, sadness, sadness and sadness, guessed i'll jz call it "depression". Sad of what? Sad of something, something that someone would understand how would i feel for this musical song...
New semester, class starting shortly, my eyes are tired, and still sick, insomnia again. Anyhow, its 5am now. I'm missing someone, someone i miss hugging in my arms. I couldn't express that anymore, what i would say here is "chen rak te". Goodnight readers...
I try but I cant seem to get myself To think of anything But you Your breath on my face Your warm gentle kiss I taste the truth I taste the truth
We know what I came here for So I won`t ask for more
I wanna be with you If only for a night To be the one whose in your arms Who holds you tight I wanna be with you There`s nothing more to say There`s nothing else I want more than to feel this way I wanna be with you (yeah)
So I`ll hold you tonite Like I would if you were mine to hold forever more And I`ll saver each touch that I wanted So much to feel before (to feel before) How beautiful it is Just to be like this
I wanna be with you If only for a night To be the one whose in your arms Who holds you tight I wanna be with you There`s nothing more to say There`s nothing else I want more than to feel this way (I wanna be) I wanna be with you
Oh baby I can`t fight this feeling anymore It drives me crazy when I try to So call my name Take my hand Make my wish Baby, your command?
Yeahhh I wanna be with you There`s nothing more to say There`s nothing else I want more than to feel this way (I wanna be)I wanna be with you (I wanna be with you) I wanna be with you Wanna be with you (Yeahhh) (I wanna be with you)I wanna be I wanna be with you (I wanna be) (i wanna be) (I wanna be with you) Yeahh (I wanna be with you) I wanna be, I wanna be baby I wanna be (I wanna be with you) I wanna be with you yeah I wanna be with you I wanna be with you
There's nothing that i want, but only wanna be with u! Suddenly felt like hearing this song, so i dedicated this to somebody whom i wanna be with. No matter whom u think i am, what u think ia m, or whomever it is, i'll still be the one who loves u most! I jz cant tell how much i miss and love u, but all i want is to be with u baby...dare to say it or not, i've to clarify that i've never let go of u or fooled u before, I JUST WANNA BE WITH YOU!
Sorry guys, i've not much to write for tonight, tired, sore-throat and not feeling well! Goodnight everybody...
Time flies and its been two months, who knows that im still having insomnia everynight, yet i'm still waiting for you. I know there were many things happened lately, really many unexpected incident happened. I dont know why, i really dont know why! My life has been miserable coz of being misunderstand, but what i can do is to clarify, but the clarity isn't working much. It isn't not only not working, but i felt many other unrelated things coming in too. *heartbreak* Eventually i have to face others that im such kind of person, its so suffocating. I tried avoiding, i tried hiding, i tried forcing myself to stay away from everyone coz i'm afraid, i'm afraid what would happen the next few minutes, hours or days! Some may be thinking that im pretending or seeking for sympathy, some may be taking what i said seriously, but the truth is only within me, myself and I, and the God! Its 23-04-2008, another 23rd alone..., previously, every 23rd, i'll have the sweetest dinner, sweetest day, sweetest ice-cream, sweetest words with the sweetest person. It makes me recalled of so much, really very very much of what we've done and been thru together, but in the end, things turned out like this today, unfortunately, unexpectedly!
Recently, i've just finished watching "Heart of Greed", its a chinese series, some may know what series some may not, but its alright, it isnt important to know or not also but there's something i would like to share about. In this series, there are scenes which are very touching, i can say the scenes can be applied to what i faced before and now. Love is an easy come, easy go thing, but both really loving each other and been thru so much is not easy at all. We'd faced many ups and downs together within the period we've been together; happy, unhappy, disappointment, fear, death, celebrations, anniversaries, surprised etc...no matter what happened, we'll also be there for each other to overcome it together or share it together. I miss the sound, i miss the sound of laughter, i miss the feeling, i miss the feeling of being cared and loved by the one i love, i miss u, i miss the whole u in my life. I remembered there were times we hugged each other while tearsing. That time, we will hug each other tightly, tearsing saying we love each other very much, we're sorry to each other and the conversation continues...i wanted to hug u, not only plain hugging u but hugging u to sleep too. I remember which was the best time, when u need to go for car service and i was still sleeping, u gave me a peck on my forehead and pamper me on my head before u left! That was the sweetest thing i'd in my life! I felt so much in love with u, not at that time, but so much love from u!
I can tell, u're the greatest person i've met, u're the one and only which i really love so much and have given me the love i want, the "warm" feeling in my life. U'd enlighten me so much, although there were arguements at times, but sometimes, arguements cant be avoided as some arguements are just meant to happen at the wrong time in some relationships. Some may strenghten the relationship, some may weaken the relationship, but i guess i've been positive enough to take all the arguements to strenghten our relationship. Nonetheless, we've been thru many arguements and things together, even no matter what u are today, i'm still here waiting for u. I may be waiting for nothing, but as long as if i'd really tried my best, time will tell am i doing the right thing for the right person or not. I believe in myself, i believe in what i've been thru with the one i love, and most importantly i believe in u who said "i'm the only one u love but no one else", hence, this is why i've been writing for the past 60days. I've gotta say, love is a very strong power that could make one crazy for it! Some dont believe in love, or maybe true love, but i need u to assure one thing, we will not get to be together this long if we dont really love each other. Each and everywhere i've been to or passing thru, it only reminds me of u along the pathway. In the series, there's this couple, where they really love to be with each other and loving each other very much, but there had many arguements, and in the end, they broke up on and off. At the end, the gal really insisted to break up with the guy. The guy love her very much, and for sure the gal too but she doesnt want to get back together, she has been looking for her besties for a talk and being sad at most of the time. Day by day it passes, week by week, month by month, years by year...eventually, they bumped onto each other for business, but sad to say there were once, the guy met in an accident, the gal had decided to forgive, therefore, she'd sent him a mail. After the guy met in the car accident, without thinking twice, he forced himself to walked to the nearest telephone booth and called the gal, telling her the point he had in mind for the case the gal is in charge of as both of them is a lawyer. The moment he finished his point and said to the gal that he'll call her back when he's back home as he's driving, but when the guy hangup the call, the guy perished...after sometime, the gal received a call from the police station, knowing that the guy had perished, she was terribly upset and cried out loud, refuse to accept the truth but kept crying...
Its sad, its really sad that the guy couldnt read that she'd forgive him and wanted to get back together, but from here, we knew that the both of them really loving each other very much after years had passed. I may be thinking too far away, but its an example of what we've "gone thru" before and also the present. I do not want to have guilt in life! We'd been thru so much together, although it isn't as much as others thought, but also not as little as other thought, but it's sufficient for me to proof that i really love u! I miss those days, i miss the time when u hold my hands, i miss the time when u kissed me on my forehead before sleep, i miss the time when u kissed my forehead and left then came back after that! No one would understand how would i feel, and why should i wait for u...maybe even urself dont know why, but as a summary, your "love" told me to do so coz i'm sure no one would understand u more than i do...
This song is dedicated to u, it's also a theme song from the series, "My love will get you home". Alright, i'm tired, still sick, not feeling well i mean, its time for me to pen-off. Goodnight everyone...goodnight to u my love! *kisses on forehead*
Here's another song, i know u liked this song too...goodnight! Starry starry night for me...
p/s: "Love you, love you, and i'll always be loving you..."
If you wander off too far, my love will get you home. If you follow the wrong star, my love will get you home. If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone, get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home. Boy, my love will get you home.
If the bright lights blinds your eyes, my love will get you home. If your troubles break your stride, my love will get you home. If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone, get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home. Boy, my love will get you home.
If you ever feel ashamed, my love will get you home. When there's only you to blame, my love will get you home. If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone, get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home. Boy, my love will get you home.
If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone, get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home. Boy, my love will get you home, Boy, my love will get you home. _________________________________________________________________________________________________
p/s: "If only u remember of this song, its been 2months, i still love u and miss u as usual..."
Here I am Alone and I don't understand Exactly how it all began The dream just walked away I'm holding on When all but the passion's gone
And from the start Maybe I was tryin' too hard It's crazy 'cause it's breakin' my heart Things can fall apart but I know That I don't want you to go And heroes die When they ignore the cause inside But they learned from what's left behind And fight for something else And so it goes That we have both learned how to grow
And from the start Maybe we were tryin' too hard It's crazy 'cause it's breakin' our hearts Things can fall apart, but I know That I don't want you to go
(Oh) it's just too much Takin' on the whole world all by myself There's not enough Unless I start trustin' somebody else Somebody else and love again
And from the start Maybe we were tryin' too hard It's crazy 'cause it's breakin' our hearts Things can fall apart, but I know That I don't want you to go, no
Maybe we were tryin' too hard It's crazy 'cause it's breakin' our hearts Things can fall apart, but I know That I don't want you to go
Oooh no, I don't want you to go Say that you won't go
What do you see in this picture? A normal cloudy scenic? Indeed, but this is what i'm feeling, not trying to be dramatic or what but only being expressive of my feeling. People around, friends around, family and including my beloved too, i guess no one understands how do i feel every day and night. It's every day and night. Its just like what's portrait in this picture, cloudy, dull, dark, lost, don't see the limelight, no direction, lifeless, restless, sad....et cetera. I don't understand why am in such a pathetic situation. I'd never thought i would became such depress and heartbreaking. Indeed, everyone will be wondering why do i felt so? Alright, let me make things clear, i'd never been accused to be a terrible person before, its not a complain nor anything, but i'm only expressing why do i felt so. I've never been treating people bad before, the worst thing i've done was only ignoring my brother, the rest, i dont see it unless to my only enemy. I'd never treated any other people bad before, never, definitely not to my beloved too. Why would u think unnecessarily? Why would u go so far? Its alright even u walked further, eventhough if i'm slow, i can still catch u up because u've left footprints and i'm always behind u no matter what happened, never had left u lonely before too. I've never treated u bad, i've never before, can someone tell how bad would i be till my love doesn't want to stop walking...u know me well, i don't want u to go, i don't want u to go....can u not leave me baby? :'( i really don't want u to go...
It's 4++am, i'm not back home yet, still outside, my connection was down again when it was fine for the last 24hours but after the rain and thunderstorm, it went off again. I was out for group studies since 10.30pm, everyone left by 2.30am, yet i'm still outside, revising.....as well as writing, cause i dont feel like going back home. I've been having sleepless night more than a month, worries kept bothering me, efforts made to get things back with my love, proving my love what others said are wrong, what u thought are wrong too cause i do not want to suffer being accused i'm never a sincere person or not serious towards my love kind of person. I can proof for the last few hundred days, i've never been fake or insincere to u before. Whatever incident including the goods and bads, i'd never forgotten before! I've never had reluctant u before too, why do we have to suffer of the "untrue story/fact". I remembered those days, whenever any rumour was spread, u told me not to bother coz most of these people outside are destroyer and fake! Bitches and bastards like bitching of others! U said its things btw us, u love me, u wont bother any shits from these people! FRom then, i don't bother whatever bullshits spreaded coz i'm never easily being influenced when u said that to me. I'd never taken u for granted before, if love is about taking granted of each other, i wouldn't be like this till today, i wouldn't bother, i wouldn't care, i wouldn't be depress too! Whats love? Whats you to me? Whats everything we've been thru to us? They're what we believe to be true coz we're both equally serious and proven to be important to each other! I do not believe that my personality and character which u know cant prove that i'm what u said to be the only person u love and wont let go, if i dont let go.. :'( another night, i'm tearsing for your absense in my life...i've said and promised u before bed, u're my one and only one, i'll never gonna let u go no matter what my love...
p/s: "TRust me, my sincerity for u, my love for u and myself for u, are always true and real! I will never fool or play with your love for me coz I AM NEVER gonna let your past to repeat and hurt u...I'll have my words for u baby!"
nothing more that i can say! life is just so meaningful with all of my friends! nevertheless, i'll appreciate my life & my family & friends in order to keep myself surviving for a longer time happily then....
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