I'm a liar . . . but . . .

My love, I love you...

Although it's been for sometime, yea, i admitted i did pretended as if nothing anymore but the limit had reached, i can't pretend anymore, it's hurting very much! I admitted i'm a liar, i'm a great liar, i stopped talking to u, stopped talking to u, stopped pestering u, it doesnt mean i'm giving up onto u although u insisted, but the truth is that i still love u so much. Yes, i'm stupid, i'm dumb, but there's nothing i can do with it as it's where we develop all by ourselves. If u really mean nothing to me, i would have live happily as if nothing had happened before jz like how a car passes by u by the roadside. I rather drive on and off passing by u, each and everytime, everyday and night, cause i want to see u, i love to see u and whats most importantly, i love u deeply with all my heart. "Alby, try to let it go..", i did, but it failed coz i know no matter what, only u will come back to me in the picture in my mind, no one else even if there're many better ones outside. What's this all about? Stupidity? Sticky? Useless? Restless? Dumb? Or isit really what everyone has been saying, 'true love', which everyone claims it NEVER EXIST. Its true that after so long, i may be the only one who's still waiting for nothing, doing things whereby everyone consider its useless, but to me, whatever it takes for me to get u back, is a bit to bit effort to get closer to u back, as before...or maybe not, i'm never a decision maker in this case.

I miss u, i misses u so much, but everyone ask me over and over again, "Alby, is that worth?", without thinking twice i answered, "YES!" i said it as if it's really true which i'm still believing in "love" existing. Although it has been for sometime we're apart, but, i've never thought of leaving u before...it hurts the most, when u knew i lied, that i was fine, in fact, i wasn't....your concern is always what i prioritized! Does it sounded more likely i'm bullshitting? Ok, i never had the intention to, afterall, u know me best, if i really did it intentionally, u would've being cheated for long...and hurt deeply more than this, but the truth i didnt. Knowing it is useless to explain over and over again, this is what i'm writing to express my feelings, not to u, coz u felt i'm annoying, u felt i'm fooling u, but eventually, no one could help me to make u understand my intention loving u so much, waiting for u to love me back where u'd been afraid of me now...

David, my besties, he'd departed last 2days to overseas for his further studies for 2yrs from now onwards, indeed, i misses him very much, he is my besties which i'll never forget! Knowing him for more than 10yrs since primary, seeing the both of us changes from a huge size body to what we are today, seeing us growing with partners...seeing the changes in us each and every year, yet what is not changed is our besties friendship which never ends. I'm grateful and thankful to have a friend like him as he accompany me most the time when i really needed a shoulder, not fussy of any decision amde (although there are but we could still accomodate at times), not calculative nor revengeful, but simplicity the bestest buddy i ever had in my life. A day before he left, we went out for a drink, we talked alot, then he said to buy me a birthday present, i've got a shoe i wanted the next day which is the same day he's leaving, i wore that to the airport to show him. He said that it suits me and it looks good on me! He's often being straight forward to me, i nevermind any comment he made to me before. His friends, gf, family and relatives were there along at the airport, i was helping to take photographs with his and his bro's DSLR camera. That's all i can do for him. Before he left, Zoe, the gf, actually cried out loud for his departing, i was feeling touched, eyes turned red, but i was standing a side from them. I feel for her, but i told myself not to tears coz i do not want him to know that i'll miss his absence in my future days for 2yrs.

As time goes by, i started realizing people in my surrouding are leaving me one bye one, as if my skin was pilling off, bit by bit. My friends, my relatives and the "special someone i live the happiest and i love most"...i'm feeling restless, i needed the "someone" by my side now, i'm very depress and stress. I need "u" by my side, i need "ur" concern, i need "ur" presence in my life, i need "ur" love...there's no one i wanted anymore. I started realizing, i'm spoiling myself, my health, my studies as well as my everything! I dont know why, my account is almost depleted, the resources i have is limited, myself is somewhere i dont know where it'd been to...i'm losing something very precious, Alby! He's lost, so lost till things started changing!~ Love isn't everything, but the love i got, gives me everything i want...only u know what i mean if u remember i'd asked, "please don't leave me...baby!"

Yesterday i went pass somewhere kL, i remembered there was once i was working at a restaurant for L'Occitane annual dinner, u dropped me there and pick me back after work...many minor things i remembered, maybe u dont, or forgotten, or maybe u did remember every single thing which u're trying hard to forget, forget and let go me as hard as u're trying to achieve what u want! *heartbreaks* Whatever, where ever, whenever, however and whichever, u've been recalled without forgotten every single moment we were together before...from "naive" us, to another level of growing up till today...physically, the biggest changes is u, i'm always the same, never changed, still as bored and useless as before. Everyone today calling me uncle, bald head, old man etc...who would want to be with someone who'd became worst than before, than ever!~ I only see blurred visions, with only black and white color in the picture. I'm seeing things with no more colors without u anymore...i've no strenghts but only full with weaknesses! I cant bear this, i cant bear the loneliness i'm having which is killing me soon...

ME: "Don't abandon me, please...." *tears* (Q: Do u actually know how much i misses u, right up till today after so long?)

I dont know how to confront anyone about this. Pretended nothing, till the night comes, tears the one which accompany me till i'm tired then fell asleep holding my mobile phone! I'm such a pathetic old looking bastard! I disappoint the one i love most, i starting disappointing my family as well as my friends as i'm losing myself..day by day...empty soul walking somewhere in the street!

Assignments, presentations, examination, work, money, personal, family, friends....i'm too much stress and pressured really! I need "u"... :(

p/s: "To whomever who're encountering problem with your partner, think twice before making a decision to end the relationship, it isn't what u all thought to "begin" and "end" simplicity, but there's always a reason why u both got together and be together this long...appreciate them before u lose them.."

"I miss you, you and you so much..."

Lewis Donna Lyrics

Q: Can I just have one last chance from you...please?

Love,
-[aLbY]- @ -133-