31st May, 2009

It's 7am, Sunday 7am, by right, i'm suppose to be a good boy, sleeping yet going to wake up in the next 2hours for breakfast with my parents on the early healthy sunday but...i couldn't sleep! I couldn't close my eyes, shut down my brain, nor even close my eyes at all! My bro on the bed sleeping snoring like no ones business but i'm still awake! I saw the sunrise from time to time! It isn't my first time, i saw it from my eyes, from dark to sunrise! The sky turned brighter and brighter every minute, as though every moment i'm passing by, missing one person deeply hour by hour, day by day! I miss you! I terribly misses the entire process staring at your eyes and face, holding your hands, talking to you...it's been 3months and 13days i haven't seen you! Though i did took a sneak peak at you somewhere, but that almost took my breath away. Every assumed i was the happiest person on Earth including you but in fact, i'm not at all. I remembered we were together, looking at the sunrise slowly...staring at each other's face, pampering each other by the forehead and hands holding tightly, i didn't just miss it, i eagerly wanted it back all from you so badly too! Many are having a hard time right now, i hoped to help, i hoped to be there, i hoped to keep them company...but i failed to do so as i'm unable to help in my problem. I knew there were many past that lead to many mistrust, misunderstanding or miscommunication but i'm always 24/7 there to correct it, make it right, getting your heart back to me only. Loving you isn't as like eating a favorite ice-cream, but it's the time and effort that we've been through in developing from scratch, from the time we don't know anything to everything we knew about each other today... I saw many couples by the road side, at the mall, in the car, cinema, restaurant, cafe, garden or club, but where's my precious? What about my precious love ones? No, i didn't betray, i didn't stop loving you, i never don't miss you for one moment, nor stop thinking of you before,... baby, you've always been not just in my heart and mind, but virtually as though you were by my side every moment, everywhere i go!~ you were the one that i sacrificed everything for, you were the one i gave everything to, you were the one i only love although there were tonnes and billions of people around, of all the things happened, nevertheless how bad one problem is, YOU ARE still the ONE Alby loves, cares, misses and...walks in my life! You don't just leave me footsteps or memories, you left me a big impact in life, learnt a lot in the lessons and discovered many problems in me. I admitted i was ego and stubborn in some sense, but my heart can never lie to anybody, you're always in my heart and most important in my life.

Indeed, it is true nobody couldn't live without anyone, but living with the one you love, the one you always have loved, the one you have put every single effort onto, is still the most beautiful thing ever compared to a lonely moment. Single is fun, single is free, single can be beautiful depending how one looked at it, single can be the richer than a couple, single can have no worries, single can be happy and many more but single can never be compared to a loving couple which have put every moment in developing it especially after all this years of ups and downs, obstacles and problems they've been through together! I can never deny the truth i wasn't at fault before, i remembered every single moment, every single thing, every single gift, every single words you've told me, every single facial expression, every single heartbeat i felt, every single smell on you, but i know i myself have to personality problem which you would assumed i wouldn't change to appreciate you more. I cherish you, i really do, i didn't tell any lies, what i've been doing, i really do for the sake of us, for us to be closer than anybody else, to be loving towards each other! You're everything, everything where there's nothing i want including money although it is important to everybody these days, but money couldn't give me a permanent happiness unlike while you were by my side, although it was just breakfast, lunch, tea break, dinner or supper together! Have you guys ever heard, 5minutes of happiness with your love ones could make your day anyhow better than anything else? Lets make a rough count for me for not seeing my love ones for 3months and 13days? It's been close to 150,000minutes i've not seen my beloved! I've suffered a lot for missing one so badly, though we've not met and been arguing or not talking to each other for long, i believe the old folks says that "loving one really with the heart or what most people known as true love" no matter how long or far the distance is between both the human being, their heart and soul is always belonging to the one they missed most! Let's make this clear, i admitted i'm the creature@human being (if there're still people who thought i am one) that loves YOU most, and had never gave up in holding you back to my arms by talking through and solving every mistrust and problems we had all these years for a better times together happily...

The sky is getting really brighter, and the sun is really rising shining direct through to my window, luckily my mom have changed my curtain to my favorite, a dark blue and white stripe curtain so it wouldn't be too bright even though the sun is shining at 12noon! I'm still awake, not really sleepy, i'm ain't a God, i'm ain't a superhuman, but i just misses someone too much badly!~ i've never thought it would be a waste of my time doing all this, i wouldn't have thought that you don't love me truely with you heart as we've been together for years, i belief the truth although we'd been arguing, the one in your heart though you hated most, you still have me as the one you love most apart from your family! I understood that nobody would understand the pain you've suffered from how and what i've hurt you before, but i reckon i'm the only medicine to cure unless you never love me before! I believe in fate, i believe everything starts for a reason, everything happen for a reason, and fate allowed us to be together is the greatest gift i've had in my life, not comparable with Gucci, Emporio Armani, a big house, a Ferrari, a millionaire or someone that has back his hair as he'd been having his hair loss over the years which is not recovering much though, you're still the most precious gift i've had in life! You gave me the best moment, the laughter that remains permanent, the sadness which have taught me a lot while growing to be more mature, the worries that i've learnt where i know you were the most important person to me and i don't wanna lose you or having you unhappy, the disappointment faced because of too much/high of expectation....you're still the one i love baby...i didn't lie, and i swear, i've never dare to lied anymore!~ I MISS YOU....really badly!

I've something for you, and it's mainly dedicated exclusively for you too.. Click here for lyrics!



Love,
-bEE-

.depression.

depression kills me. depression haunt me back in the night. depression makes me tears. depression hurts badly. why i'm forever not the one? i couldn't sleep at all at 5am. i'd been sleeping only 2-3hrs for the past few days. having class in the morning till evening and now, i'm back to my territory. having terrible heartache. tears non-stop flowing. why? how? what shall i do? why is it that i've been loving one loyally yet i still got nothing in return but a whole load of hurtful statements?! i can't take it. it aches deep into my nerves. assignment due later. 2 more next week. final year project midpoint by 12/6 yet i've done nothing. why is it i've spent so much time in developing everything for years, you can never understand the real me that i really been loving you truthfully?! :'( it's been 3months. i've always wanted to do something but i've got boundary from you. what the hell on earth i can do for you? why i'll never have any good return for loving one faithfully?! i'm lost. i'm unhappy. i'm upset. but i reckon depress should be the word to describe. been to the clubs to get drunk and not to think much. it's all because of you! it's all because of you that i love so much and became a vampire, fail in doing my studies etc. i need love. i need comfort. i need care. i need you but.... :'( stop the cruelty. stop the cruel intention. stop the hurtful words. what i want is just you back. you that i knew. you that i love. you that i hold in my arms for 3yrs. you that i've been smooching on your forehead for 3yrs! :'(

somebody please save me out of the depression. i seriously can't handle it anymore. i'm getting weaker and weaker. i'm losing everything in grip. i'm lose you! i'm losing to someone whose fresh. i'm losing myself for loving you so much deeply, i wants to R.I.P! :'( the promises i made, have never been broken before. until today, you're still whom i love every now and then, every second and minutes been thinking of you. why am i still being accused the worst person ever. i need a peace life with you. i want a peace life with you. why is it so hard to please some people in life? i'm collapsing. i'm losing control. i'm losing everything...

I've nothing.

Why? Why? AND WHY?! I'VE NOTHING LEFT!!! EVEN MY HARD DISK IS GONE!!! AND YOU'RE RUNNING OFF FROM MY TRACK! ='( been over the years, over months, i seems still the only bastard left in the world! NOBODY will loves me, NOBODY will understands me, NOBODY will cares for me, NOBODY WILL HEAR/SEE ME CRYING every night! Now, i'm left as the worst person in the world, somebody has taken "my position" and kicked me off to the ground. I'm fake, everybody claimed that i'm just a fake bastard who fakes for all these years! :'( i didn't expected much in life, i would gave up everything for you but...I HATE MYSELF!~ I HATE MYSELF VERY VERY MUCH!!~ I do not know what am i suppose to do anymore. God, tell me for the sake of this 3years, am i freak to everybody? Why are there so many stories behind who stabbed me from the back towards the one i love most? WHY???????????????????????????????????????? WHY YOU CAN NEVER FORGIVE ME? WHY YOU CAN NEVER MAKE ME THE ONE AT ALL???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ='( you left me NOTHING IN MY LIFE! AND I HAVE NOTHING IN MY LIFE!~ WHY CANT YOU EVER BE COMMITTED TO ME ONLY WHEN I'VE ALWAYS BEEN DOING.... ='( how can loving one so much deeply, gets nothing in the end but all the shits!!

"I'm a saddist, the saddest animal known within everyone on Earth."






-[aLbY]-

THREE MONTH

It's been 3months, I've got nothing, but just plain ignorant. They said I've been enjoying life, been happy'ing around etc...but I reckon people who knew me well, shall know I've been hiding a lot, my feelings, my unhappiness, myself, and most importantly the real me. These days, I've been making everyone assuming I'm happy enough to go through my life, but the inner depth of me, no one would ever know including you whom claimed I'm enjoying my life, except to a few person on Earth who text me in the night sharing their unhappiness with me knows how I feel. 3months, 3months since the last time we met, and you broke up with me, and today I'm still the me, who still loves and misses you so much. You won't know, and I know...you will/likes assuming, I never bother, I never cared, and worst is that you'll declare that 'I'm never serious to you too..'. It hurts, hurts me deep the heart, but I've never hated you before, because the truth, I never been anybody as how you've assumed before, neither my past, present, or even the future. You are still the one I love most baby...

p/s: "I'll still dedicate you songs, which you won't know... I really misses you so badly everyday, noon, evening and night..."



You’re in my arms
And all the world is calm
The music playing on for only two
So close together
And when I’m with you
So close to feeling alive

A life goes by
Romantic dreams will stop
So I bid mine goodbye and never knew
So close was waiting, waiting here with you
And now forever I know
All that I wanted to hold you
So close

So close to reaching that famous happy end
Almost believing this was not pretend
And now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come
So far we are so close

How could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?
We’re so close
To reaching that famous happy end
And almost believing this was not pretend
Let’s go on dreaming for we know we are
So close
So close
And still so far

Love,
-bEE-