Feeling emotional...

I'm emotional tonight, it's so hard to put myself to bed! I really couldn't do it at all. The reminiscence of the past kept crossing by my mind and I couldn't forget or let it go at all! I can't put myself to bed at all, its 6++am right now, I've class at 9am till 6pm! :'( what can I do when my "other half" have moved on? What can I do to make myself like someone? How am I able to let go and forget the past when I've been thinking of you all the time? I really can't do it at all, although I'm being forced to let it go...why am I such a loser? Such a loser to everything...

Another scariest moment, my FYP is about to due during the mid of Oct09, and it's already towards the end of Aug09. I couldn't put my mind onto the FYP at all! I've been trying all these while, though I've been walking the journey of life all by myself, but you kept playing apart as the shadow which follows me like how we used to be together.. :'( It's very suffocating, I don't know how much longer I could bear this feeling and continue my daily life with all my tired and strenghtless attitude! Come to this, I almost met in an accident last evening while I was fetching my mom back home after visiting granny from the hospital in KL. While passing by the Old Klang Road outside Taman Desa, I actually doze off a few times, but I kept myself awake, before the traffic light, eventually I doze off and my front tyre ramp up the divider. Mom yelled and woke me up and said, "you actually slept while you drove just now? Haven't you been sleeping?..." I only nod my head and kept myself awake after that till I got back, and took 2+hours nap before I was out for dinner...I knew it's stupid, I knew everybody think that I'm stupid,...I just can't close my eyes while my mind has been thinking of "someone" all the time...maybe I'm still immature, "could take things, but not letting it go...". Everything we went thru together, has made my life today such a spoilt brat today... :'( I don't want it to be like this, but how? What can I do other than repeating my routine everyday and every week?!

Goodnight people, goodnight...I shall pen-off now, and will fulfill my words to do my write out as it's told in the previous post!

Lonesome,
-[aLbY]-

Soon...

I've something to confessed, thou there're many readers who reads my blog. Thanks for visiting and the concern, but I've something to confessed really soon, as soon as when I've the right time to do the write up. I really need to do so, though I know many have been concerning and wondering who am I writing for, don't ask, I appreciated that, because I didn't want it to be known, not even personally, cause I guess I just wanted to confessed it all out with some rights for myself...as I'm feeling very uncomfy, in the heart, which many been wondering, but I just wanted some privacy for myself because I know somethings, aren't going on smoothly...and not coming back to me too! :'( nobody will understand how I'd feel...including the one who loves me most as well as my family! Thanks for reading this nonsense post but it'll be up really soon...

Goodnight!

-[aLbY]-

Insomnia...again!

I don't like the feeling, I don't like the imagination I'd in my mind that keeps running here and there, FOOLING me! I can't take it, it's so tiring, my brain is feeling of to blast! "Human being never get what they wanted." Even no matter how committed I am, how much I've been thinking and missing one, others just never feels it! :'( especially when I'm alone at all time, when I have my eyes shut, I could see them in my dreams that they're always together.......everywhere! I really can't take it anymore....insomnia, reminiscence of the past, everything..............I hate myself for real! Why am I so determine, why am I not turning bad even if I'm trying hard to do it and to prove it? I wants to be a bad guy! I wants to be an asshole and just get spoilt! Though I've been spending overly within this 6months, but it isn't the worst yet! WHY I CAN NEVER LET IT GO AND FORGET IT WHEN OTHERS CAN!! Such a loser....such a lamer! Where's my beautiful 23rd?! Why am I still desolated and isolated till today?! I hate the feeling.......

Apart from that, my hair...SIGH...I'm really a saddist! Though many said that I looked good with my head bald like this or SHORT as this, but....seriously, I'm only a 22y/o adult! I need my youth life like any others where they can have their hair style and dyed! It's really heartbreaking each time i see myself comparing with the others especially those in my surrounding, at times many been teasing me a bald headed or NO HAIR, it really irritates me so much where i can barely say a word for myself! SADDIST! People just disliking me for being who i am, and what i am in the physical! There's a cure for it or maybe there is, but.....its too expensive for it! Parents aren't really liking me to take all this! People in my surrounding DONT CARE either,.... :'( what a sad night, what a sad youth, what a sad of myself. All i have is my blog, all i have is my blog that often kept me company and expressed all my feelings out! Nobody will understand, NO BODY WILL cause NO BODY cares! I'm tired of pretending nothing in front of everybody....I'm tired, and very very tired! It's so exhausting of wanting to make one to forgive you for your stupid mistake, for one to accept you for who you are, for others to be please to you, for others to be able to accept you and for others to understand ME! Why can't SOMEONE just understand me at all!! :'( life is just so.....difficult to move on! No matter how much one have experienced or been thru...

-[aLbY]-

Why?

Why is that so hard to be loved by you, and for you to understand that i truely love you and had never been faked to you before? Why can't we get back although we've been missing each other and still loving each other? Why you can never open your heart back for me to love you at all? Did you know that it's so hard to live with a life you forcing me to let it go and acted nothing happened when i really love you so much?! :'( SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME!!! I'd enough of the tiring and loitering life from night till day! I'm weaker! God, stop fooling me anymore...please!!! It's very suffocating living like this everyday including normal days with no classes the next day or no activities even if i could rest longer, i'm still sleeping at 6+am!

-[aLbY]-

18-08-09: 6months . . .

It's been 6months, time flies, everything in the surrouding kept changing, but there is something which is still the same which i would want to share with. I know it's been sometime, though the duration can be considered long or maybe short, it depends how the individual would take it, but something never changed. I know that you were living alone waiting, and waiting, same goes to me, but there's something i would want to say here, "I love you, I love you till no matter how I couldn't stop loving you! I couldn't force myself to stop loving you too although at times I told myself for being stupid for loving you so much, till the end, I'm still loving you.." It isn't easy at all to really love one, and I've never said a single gossip about you neither been spreading any rumour unlike the hypocrites which has nothing better to do. Nevertheless, I've been asking yet still been seeking for your forgiveness cause I need you,...and I wanted you back! I know there were many stupid stories spreading around, but never left out my principal towards the relationship that I've never betrayed you before! Though I've made mistakes before in the past, but I've always bear that in mind that it'll never gonna be repeated again. 6months, 6months before the date today is the day we were separated, yet today, you're still playing a role in my heart, not just that, but part of myself. I've never give up on you before...we've been thru alot, really many things together, if love is so easily to fade off after so many years of being together, that wouldn't be love, but fake love, but I knew the "love" between us, are true, that we were suffering alot without each other within this 6months time. I know it's stupid to do this, it's stupid to wait, to depress, or to be anti-social or what so ever, but you're always the one that comes into my mind! The phrase written above in color font are words truely from my heart, I never fooled you, neither lied or being fake, but all I want is getting back by your side to be together happily...I love you baby, I couldn't deny I never think of you everyday and night, all I need is just another hope from you to me for us...that's all I've hoped for, our relationship...I hoped you could read this, and don't ignore me anymore...My love for you have never been faked before, it's all true and it's the true love that I've always been proving to you...and for that, and those we've been through are the memories that you'll never forget which I've never let you go before...I'm missing you so badly!~ :'( I love you..

Love,
-aLbY-

Suffocation.

Its been awhile, 6months, i really cant do it at all! :'( i wants to leave this place and be extinct! i want to have my brain wash everything in my life and forget of everything and live alone...no matter how true or how much i love you, you will never know that I LOVE YOU TRUELY.........i know im a disaster to you and everybody, im an emotional person, im known as one today, i admitted, but i've never said anything to anybody except keeping it to myself! :'( i really cant take it anymore, its very tiring and heartbreaking...can i just be extinct from Earth??????

-[aLbY]-

내 머리가 나빠서

1month, 3months, 5months, 1year? 2years? 3years? No matter how much I love you, in the end, I was still thought I never love you and appreciate you. I know it's only a few years to you, alright, I'll turn bad so that you wont need to suffer since I'm being hatred so much! I'm not a good guy, good friend, or a good boyfriend too! I know I deserve to be treated like this and to be alone...

Anyhow, Happy Birthday to my beloved mommy, I'll always love you and wishing you best of health and long life staying with me... I love you mom!!~

-[aLbY]-

Never know...

I'm very tired, I'm very unhappy, I'm very lonely...so what if I misses someone who doesnt know. You'll never know... ='( I'm exhausted, I'm very very exhausted yet I've been pretending go front of everyone that Alby is GOOD! NO I'M NOT! I'm getting weaker and weaker day by day...and I've to bring out a mask out to show everybody I'm in good situation! I need my 'pillow'! I need it to hug to sleep peacefully like I was a baby! ='( I cant bear it anymore, it's very suffocating... What can I do to ease the pain in the heart & mind???