Stressed & Suffocation.

I dislike the feeling seriously, it's almost killing me to death and I really hoped I could just collapsed and forget everything happened in my life, but that would never happen unless I've my head knocked onto the wall! These days, I'm so much of stress of so many things around, studies, assignments, FYP (due 14/10), personal life, feelings, emotions, health, hair.....sigh, its a fuck up life! It's so stressful and suffocating! I just need someone to understand and concern about me, why is that so hard? Haven't people know what am I? Am I really a bad person to be with? I knew that I'm imperfect in many sense, what can I do when I was born to be imperfect? Sigh...I'm still not touching any assignments including my FYP!



I've been sleeping very late recently, 5am? 6am? 7am? 8am? or even 9am! Sigh...seriously the insomnia is killing me! Its so suffocating, I'm feeling so tired everyday and night, often doze off in the class while the lecture going on, or even just slept on the desk or rather skipping classes by giving MCs! Sigh, parents and sis have been complaining over my outing, and sleeping hours, I couldn't make myself to stay at home THINKING! What am I thinking? I don't need I need to spill this out as it's obvious to those who knows me well or are close to me, but....why is it so? :'( so many things happened and parents are screwing me up, car got bang at the back WITHOUT noticed in the college last few weeks, scratches, dented and ARGH my bumper became loose, then now my air cond stinks, smells so badly whenever I started my engine, then what else? MONEY! I'm broke, so broke that I.....argh, fine I don't want to talk about that, but I'm alike a beggar now, doesn't have anything at all! Sigh...mom spoken to me this afternoon, threw all the things that dad said to her about me, we were arguing, and also have been arguing with my parents these days, for some issue, I'm so stressed up! Sigh...eventually I really can't take it, nobody understands my feelings, understands me at all why am I out so often and didn't want to get back home! :'( home definitely won't know cause I didn't want any of my family to be worried of me as I'm an adult today, I didn't want to trouble them so much of my stuffs/problems! Mom eventually tears talking to me, I was freaked out! I really don't know what should I do, but I got even more stressed up, I can't take it, I really feel like moving out for a couple of days or weeks. Yet I was so tired, my mood wasn't stable, yet was like "yelling" over my mom whenever I spoke to her, SORRY MOM! I DIDN'T MEAN IT but I really want to have my own time for myself to be emotional or whatever thing...does anybody knows about what's happening in my life? No, because I learned to keep things to myself and I don't see anymore reason that I shall share it out to anybody as nobody actually cares for me...

I'm really feeling restless and hopeless in my life...what shall I do? I've 2mths more to graduate! I'm feeling so restless and demotivated now...I really can't take it anymore, I'm getting weaker, my will is becoming weaker....the entire me is getting weaker and.....I really hoped I could collapse one day then have a few days of "comma" life...get extinct for a short period of time...sigh! What a life, nobody understands me, nobody rather wanna understand me, nobody ever understand the real me...which I'm always being thought as a fake person and being ignored... :'( why can't "we" make our dream come true after all...

-[aLbY]-