It's exam week now. Stress, insufficient rest, worries, rush, losing attention, easily distracted, confusion of the syntax and details of the subjects, headache which is most likely alike migrane, depressed..etc! It's only tears that had me to bed every night. It's very suffocating, very heartache, very very very unhappy...I miss someone which is killing me from rest! :'( I need the somebody to be with me, kept me supported, but...I was alone all this while. I've been trying to be isolated from anybody, and I've been alone at most the time these days...to avoid gossips, rumours, spread of unnecessarily gossip or inaccurate information of me. I hoped that the exam papers isn't as difficult/tricky as it's thought because my brain and mind is officially malfunction, it's dying off, it's stopping in no time. My heartaches very much missing someone but I'm not allowed to meet up or anything at all.. :'( what can I do to make you understand and believe me! Eventually there're word spread says, "Alby is just faking around...". To those who knows me: Please let me know am I a fake jackass as who you people know who I am? I'm eager to know the truth of how the people in my surrounding looked at me. I'm off to bed, my head is cracking off soon if I'm not sleeping! Goodnight...I miss you! Happy anniversary... :'(
p/s: You've saved me from being sad for several times, please save me back from the sadness, I don't want to be in the sadness and depression anymore. It's hurting very badly, tiring yet sickening. I need you baby, I love you very much too...please forgive me! I love you baby...
p/s: Please don't go away, I've learned my lessons more than enough as if I was at the prison for months baby, please don't walked away for others, don't have your heart change to others because I really love you till the bottom of my heart baby... :'( don't ignore or abandon me anymore! I don't wanna lose you baby...
Every single steps/move I made is by my own decision, by myself, by my capability and by my heart! The steps are getting tougher day by day, I only knew I'm becoming weaker and weaker day by day.. If you're not mine, nobody ever will read this today, and if I'm not yours, we'll never met during the journey of life... My heart has always been the same to you and never changed..
Exam is tomorrow throughout the whole week, I'm not prepared at all. So one word to described, "DIE"! In year 3 now, if I didn't do well, I'll have screw my bachelor degree class. And I can't resist to just DIE off! It's too stressed, and another thing, I'm so much of suffocation now WITHOUT YOU. I've nobody, I'm nobody... :'( to anybody... I never deserve what I deserve, how pathetic am I, how cheap am I, how sad am I, how sick am I...I'm such worthless and full with loneliness but others full with enjoyment. I didn't study at all yesterday, after the gym I head straight to my granduncle's funeral till 11.30pm, then I couldn't study and wasn't happy at all, I went to the mamak and sat alone till 4.40am, then my bro and cousin came by till 6am! Looked, how pathetic am I! After all these years, I made myself to stayed away from everybody to avoid any gossips, eventually...gossips never stops and it never failed breaking people's heart. Even though the gossip is finally clarified it's untrue, I am still considered as an "outsider"...sucking everything up alone, and alone.. I've been good, been trying to be good, changing to be good, learned from the past experience, learn from mistakes, learn from being stabbed, learn from breaking apart but......nevertheless DIE is the word which I would described to myself although it's stupid or irrational, but it's too suffocating till I'm falling soon, collapsing soon... :'(
p/s: Goodluck for the examination Alby, may you pass your exam with flying colors if possible!
After all this while, how long has it be? :'( I'm really missing you so much, very very very depressed because it comes to today again! I miss you so much, I've been correcting myself, I just needed you to forgive me, forgive everything that happened in the past, and be with together back! You didn't know and never know, how has my life been without you by my side! Tears is only my best pal every night, thinking of you, not letting you go at all, what about you? How about you? Have you been thinking of me? Have you been missing me? :'( I don't want to continue to be this awkward anymore...it's aching my heart, it's aching my heart terribly! My heartbeats terrifyingly than usual! I just wanted you, wanted your heart, your love, your presents back to my life just like before! I didn't want anything anymore, I don't want to see anymore heart aching scenes in my life by you which is gonna make me depressed so badly as now...STRESS OF EXAM is killing me at one point, but the second shot of "heartache" is gonna make me R.I.P! :'( I miss you baby, I love you very very very much baby...how will you have me back to you? How will you have your heart to me where I've changed! It's very suffocating, very very very suffocating enough already...it's long enough to "treat" me lessons of not having you in my arms, it's really very long enough already baby...please don't treat me cold anymore, don't put me on invincible mode anymore... :'(
Time passes so slow, yet so fast, I'm experiencing the worst moment in life, SUFFOCATION! :'( what can I do but just hiding myself for the exam next week and having my heart terribly ache yet having suffocation in breathing! I've not been studying, I lose my attention, I'm losing myself, I'm losing motivation, I'm losing concentration to do anything! What is still active in my body is my tears dripping... parents been stressing a lot about my studies and result because it's the final year which gonna determine my bachelor degree class in the end, i screw my assignments, my midpoint, my sleeping hours,.... Moreover, the conversation is even making me in suffocation. I've never had this terrible feeling till I couldn't do anything at all! You said my words are fake to you, my feelings are fake, my tears are fake,... :'( to you, what is real from me after all this while??? I didn't get to do anything at all as you didn't let me to, and it's all about "...too late..." now! :'( I've been saving this since Day 1 till today, and I've been suffocating from missing you and to get back with you, but you were thinking I didn't want it back!~ The suffocation is killing my nerves off my brain! Brain certified malfunction,.....my heart is beating very fast of suffocation, but I could feel that the heartbeat is beginning to beat slower each day...which I begin to see the sunrise in the dark without any brightness but only a sign of a sun is rising... I only wanted you and your heart, there isn't much I'm requesting for! :'( I love you, for real, for everything that I could give....about me, myself and I...you are whom I want only baby...
Baby, you've had everything of me wrong! I've never gave up on you, I've never don't miss you, I've never don't love you, I've never stopped loving you before! And now it makes an equation of I + Have + Been + Missing + You + With + All + My + Tears! I've been there, I've always been inside your heart, never ran out of elsewhere as you thought I had changed to somebody else. In fact, you are always my love, which I love so much! I miss you, I miss you so darn badly!! The days I couldn't see you were my nightmares, of all the things had happen in the previous time were a nightmare to you, but I've recalled I've had my lessons learnt, I didn't want it to be like the present, I didn't want you to walk without me, I didn't want you to do anything without me and the one I didn't want it to happen which I didn't want you to walk with anybody else but just me! :'( it tears so badly, it aches so terribly, it suffocate me till I wasn't at stake of breathing normally! With all this years of tears I've tears for you, it never that I thought you were a "waste-of-time" or "have regrets" before! You were my love, you are my love, I will always love you from the day we knew ages back! I miss you terribly baby...I'm suffocating, and I don't want you to have any misunderstanding from me as I've been truely honest ever since the last incident happened years back! It was my last time, and I've been loving you with all my heart, with everything I could for you...for the home we always want to live in!
p/s:
"Where you used to be,
there is a hole in the world,
which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime,
and falling in at night.
I miss you like hell."
For what had happen in the past, there have been so much of changes, I've learned a lot, and I've never ever done that anymore. I've been trying to find ways giving you the best, but I'm always been compared with any other ordinaries which I'm far away from them yet I still didn't cut my breath off for you because I LOVE YOU with what we've developed from Day 1. It is easy to love one, but it is never easy to love one that loves you too. That was what you told me years back and that was what makes me commit to everything about you no matter what happens. There were times I've been accompanying you to sleep but you never knew cause nobody knows but that isn't important because God knows I did it for you. When you were away for this few months time, I've been missing you so terribly! 'Rain' falls everyday during the day and night, each and every second it kills my brain cells off for missing you baby! :'( my heart have been reserved for you since Day 1, till today, till my heart stop beating! I've never lied for not loving you before, words can be fake, but it has been over the years the blog "has" been written for you with tears... If everything were not true that we both said to each other, then this blog will be meaningless for me to continue writing. You are whom I want, never leave me for anybody, for all the silly mistakes I've done, I know that it hurts, it also hurts me too badly, I felt it too, but I've learned everything all from A to Z today! You've got me, you've got all my heart and soul off or you'll not see me being stupid that night! :'(
I'm stupid and that's a statement which I couldn't deny, but my stupidity doesn't affect my faithfulness, truthfulness and sincerity for you before! When I call you my "baby", I mean't it and you are always my baby! When you called me "baby", that was what I want that will never last...my heart is all given of to you but not anyone else before, let me hold you, let me hold you in my arms to give you the warmest hug that makes you smile! Please don't worry, I'm not pretending or being fake, but it is my hug that wanted it to last all time that makes you warm and happily being loved!
I'm sorry baby, I didn't mean to be ignorant, I didn't mean to left you out, I never mean to side anybody, but I only want to have the honeymoon happily with you! I've never thought of anybody or anything but just you all the time! If I'm really telling lies, I wouldn't be writing for you, I wouldn't be texting you everynight, I wouldn't be depressed all the time JUST BECAUSE I'M MISSING YOU SO TERRIBLY! :'( although everything seems to be words only, but it means beyond what it means for you! I don't want to be like this anymore, I'm going crazy, I'm losing my attention, my mind, my consciousness, my patience and my tears! I don't want to be left out, I don't want to be deserted by you at all! I love you baby, I love you for everything you've said/done for me over the years which I've never forgotten before! I believe you told me this was true, "if others are so easily to be in my heart, I wouldn't have loved you all this while and no one is more important than you besides my family!" And for that, I knew you loved me for all we've developed together! I know I'm ain't perfect, I've weaknesses, never rejects others, easily to trust others, have hair loss, ain't a a rich category kid, but all I have is just a sincere golden heart that kept for you to love and to be loved only. On and off, I knew it was tiring, but I want to get it all solved for us to live together happily, to walk the journey together, to hold our hands wherever we go, to live under the same roof together happily! I miss you, I really miss you so much, which ever or where ever I go, you came across my mind in every second that cause me distraction without realizing anything that happens in the surrounding. Every second when I'm in the car alone, you were the one I've been thinking of, missing of so much till it tears each day!
I did went out for drinking sessions, I did went to the club or events, but it never stopped me from thinking of you before, when the midnight comes just before the sunrise, you'll have my SMS in your inbox, till today, you've been seeing "1 New Message" and that was from Alby Thum. I've never give up and I'll never give up on you as I've promised and it was stated somehow somewhere still over the years, "I can't let go my hands off you..." because my heartbeats for all the love I've given to you unless if you wanted me to be perished. I never cared about others before, I've never cared about how others looked at us in our relationship, but if you cared for what the others says that makes you hated me so much for all the hypocrites then it isn't gonna be fair for us, for me who isn't as what the BITCHES bitch about. I'm true to you baby...and I needed you more than anyone else including....some other people! :'( I just need your love and you which I wouldn't ask for anything anymore baby! TRUST ME!
p/s: "My love is never a lie to you before!"
For you from my heart: "I think about you constantly, whether it's with my mind or my heart." ~by Albany Bach Reid
&
"I keep coming back to you in my head, but you couldn't know that, and I have no carbons." ~by Adrienne Rich
"My heartbeats for you will never stop, if only my heart stops, for that will be....and it will be when my heart stopped beating!" ~by Alby Thum
After all this weeks, finally i've got all my assignments handed up, ON TIME! Ya, Friday, 12 June 2009, 7pm DUE eventually everything was handed in 10minutes latest before the clock turned to 7pm! It's been weeks i've been working out with my assignments with stress and many others stuffs, the last week of all the assignments due, have taken me 3days of rest to complete everything from day to night and night to day! Everyday, morning till midnight, the last 3days i slept at 7++am to 8am then woke up at 10++am/11am to go back to college to rush for my SVVR, PRMGT & the worst one is my FYP midpoint report, they called it INVESTIGATION REPORT for my program! Anyway, i'd struggled so much with the admin asking for extension which they then told me it's called "DEFERMENT" because it means differently! WTF? Whatever it means, i guess the admin shouldn't have promised me that she'll extend/defer my due to the day i could hand in which is next tuesday! TODAY i finally met my program leader and was kinda "arguing" with her of the things i went through the admin scheduler WHO CAN'T DECIDE ANYTHING and i had a deferment form to fill for the reason of "miscommunication with the admin"! WTF??? Sigh...more than enough i've been trying to work it out to finish it on time and do my research eventually i handed in with a deferment form! Worst part is when i needed internet most it went breakdown! Argh, went out to borrow the "internet" to do my work and to de-stress till when i got back it isn't working yet, i called the TM@3am to make my report! Then the next morning everything went fine back, the technicians are outside my area fixing the cables and lines! THANKS! So now everything is done except for exam, but yet after all this stress and free from DATELINES BUT exam in 8days time! I'm SO gonna die soon! SIGH!~
Anyway, i finally found out who the winner is......yet insufficient rest and tonnes of stress have almost killed me throughout the weeks eventually...heh...i am just a loser la!~ I know I'm worthless@useless in the end...suffocation of pain, of stupidity for being jealous,..KILLS ME REALLY REALLY TERRIBLY NOW!! ;'(
Night everybody...
A song which i quite like lately by Z-Chen, the new album song! Enjoy....
四目交接的时候 不要停留太久
适可而止的问候 关心不能太过
好奇也别去探索 嫉妒只能深锁
如果忍不住寂寞 也不能对你说
啊好朋友啊我的好朋友
不小心的沉默 不想让你太难过
* 我们就站在落地窗的两边
就算触碰也有了界限
如果跨越过彼此那道边界
是靠近还是更遥远
相信我们走到另一个境界
搭肩高唱友谊万万岁
要是我爱你变成了语言
什么会多一些 什么会少一些
就让别人去猜测 我们清白的很
就让自己去承受 那种清白的闷
就算我只是朋友 能不能有要求
如果会发生什么 还是我想太多
啊好朋友就只是好朋友
不小心说出口 微笑中藏着难过
Repeat *
你会不会也曾闪过这感觉
一念之间就要差一点
要是我爱你变成了利剑
什么会被消灭 什么才会复原
那是我的底线 继续将你暗恋
p/s: "My tears drip, EVERY night of missing S.O.M.E.O.N.E but.... ;'("
Gary Chao Ge's new song, i've always been admiring him produces great music and meaning behind the lyrics! It's a nice song!
I realized, people in the surrounding been looking at me in one kind of expression lately when i was at somewhere, really weird, making me uncomfortable, feeling as though i'm WANTED or prolly a criminal or something. I don't know why, it just hurts me so much! Each time when it happens, tears almost to drip off from my eyes. I'm feeling insecure, imbalance of lifestyle, imbalance of health as well as everything going on all this few months time. It's suffocating, my heartache most when....we confronted but i'd a feeling it was all make out, in fact, i could sense reluctance! :'( i've almost been missing you so badly, but why is it has to be like that? Whats worst is....whatever i heard from you about...it really almost kill me off from living!~ I love you for true, for all i have, for whatever you want with my best, with everything i wants to give it to you...but....
Here it goes:- A: Why don't you throw the things away which I gave?
B: Why should i? You can't throw away the memories even if it's all thrown away..
A: I know you won't forgive me!
B: That's only what and how you think. We've been together for quite awhile, for years if i were to described it, but i've always been wondering, if there's a cure for missing someone. What do you think?
A: It's to see the person you miss...
-END-
It's 7am, i couldn't sleep although i'm tired, although i've been rushing on my FYP midpoint which is suppose to be handing in today but don't know whether the extension approved or not to next tuesday. Yet, i've been thinking over you, missing you, i miss you, i didn't just miss you, but i miss the whole of you! I'm not greedy, i only wanted to have a meal with you to see you longer!~ :'( i knew everything was my fault since last time, why couldn't you let the past off your mind and allowed me to love you and to be loved by you back?? I can't take it, the moment i was driving back home, tears dripping off from my eyes...the touch, the speech, the hug, the eye-to-eye contact, the care, the love, the TRUST...i wanted it all back from you baby! :'( everyone is seeing me as an artifact animal, as though asking me to "get off" or "fall back and don't come into our territory!" thinking about the stabbing, the people who's unable to be close but finally can be close with you, IT HURTS SO MUCH BADLY DEEP INTO MY NERVES!!~ i wanted to see you so badly, but its either i sneak off from somewhere, hide around peeping, pretending as though we bumped onto each other....no, i didn't want those at all! But i am not given any choice to do that, watching things i didn't want to.... :'( all i want is my baby back who cares and loves me, but isn't like now..... how, what shall i do? The cure of missing someone is to meet that person, but it almost make me to tears whenever we confronted! :'( i really meant every single thing i've been telling/clarifying with you and it's all because i love you so much deeply...
I felt lonely, i'm lonely, i've been lonely,...and all i want is you back! :'( i wanted to clear off every single problem we've had in our heart, to be together happily for the better days...i didn't want to be apart from you at all if i don't love you at all baby!~ :'(
I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!!
p/s: "I always remember whatever you've said/told me before, I'll never forget anything or whichever or whatsoever thing of you.."
I needed you so much! I needed you so much baby!~ Please come back to me, please allow me to go back to you baby!~ I'm sorry for whatever happened, I didn't have any intention at all!!! :'( I love you for everything I have and could, I only expected you to love me back as before and NOTHING at all anymore!~ I love you and I really needed you so much.... :'(
*** This song is a tribute to the respected artist, A-Sun, who had passed away not long ago. ***
I love this song so much, and I don't hope to have such an ending at all... :'( all I want is just "somebody" to trust and heart me! I need nothing at all, I don't want anything either, but plain YOU who I love all by my heart all this while right up till today...I've always love you truthfully and faithfully baby!~ :'(
I'd been unhappy, more for a depression for sometime. Nevertheless, I reckon I can be called a naive or easy-to-trust creature. I was warned many times, not to believe on others easily! Ya indeed, I always trust anybody very easily, today, I've finally realized something, I am naive. I finally knew the truth who have been backstabbing yet destroying every single of my happiest moment! You helped me and then you stabbed me from the back, what have I owed you? WHY!? :'( I know I'm stupid enough to believe every single thing from anybody, part of the reason, I knew why... :'( I'm having serious depression now! STRESSED! PRESSURED! DEPRESSION! YOU HAVE DONE IT ONCE LAST YEAR, AND THIjavascript:void(0)S YEAR YOU'RE DOING IT OVER AGAIN BOYCOTTING ABOUT ME OF WHATEVER UNTRUE STORIES/GOSSIPS! I've been told, been warned, then I stopped everything, but you're STILL doing it behind my back. You're GREAT! YOU DID IT! I'm suffering here everyday and night, every single moment, been thinking of my love one, missing my beloved so badly yet you're happily hanging on there! :'( I've always have somebody who cherish me, loves me, cares for me, and even be by my side,...but with EVERY FUCKING BUSY BUSINESS you added which are all FAKE, you're close to as though you've murdered me! YOU MAKE ME TEARS SO MUCH!!! I can't believe that I've been believing you all this while! YOU MAKE MY LIFE MISERABLE! YOU MAKE ME IN SUCH SUFFOCATING IN HAVING NOBODY!!!!!!!!!~~~~~ AND I HATE FUCKERS WHO MOTHER-FUCKING-BACKSTABBING AROUND OTHERS BACK FOR FAME, FOR NOTHING BUT HAPPINESS!!!! YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE WHO BECAME THE MASTERMIND OF MY LIFE, MY HAPPINESS AND MY EVERYTHING SON OF A GUN!!!
A random post, but these 2songs mean a lot to me to you! Enjoy people...though it isn't any LATEST or NEWEST song, but it means deep inside from my heart...
.If This Isn't Love.
.When You Believe.
p/s: "Do you know i misses you really really badly...it's all because i heart you deep inside my heart! What can i do? :'( ..."
It's been how long i've not had good rest? Sorry, UNCOUNTABLE! It's been a busy week, and i'm terribly exhausted too! Class from morning till evening, gym with the new program & diet, back home assignment! ARgh....i've super headache now! Terribly headache, did some of the assignment, and i'm so stress of so much now! WORRIES keeping me tired!!~ so many things jumbled up in my mind, what i need is some pampering! :( sIgh...everyone said, "Alby, how are you doing? Why do you look so tired? Like exhausted? Haven't been sleeping for weeks? etc.." everything is turning WORST of my health...there's only ONE medicine that could cure me, i just need you so much.. :'( goodnight readers...
It is just too hard to go to bed and sleep with my eyes closed and brain stop functioning! :'( assignments are killing me, SVVR due next thursday where i'm struggling terribly with the codes but isn't the design, actionscript is so...URGH! PRMGT due on the same day as SVVR, it's about to finished but...with slow updates on my groupmates, SHIT HAPPENS! And...the worst part, my FYP Midpoint to be handed in on the 10/6, i need to write at least a minimum of 50pages of report before it due yet i've got NOTHING in the report! It's been so busy working out with other assignments for the past weeks till next week! Sleepless night,...apart from that, my heart.....aches missing someone! :'( my life is just so 2-3hours of sleep in 24hours! Exam is throughout the whole last week of June09! Argh....i'm darn scared now!!!~ :'( it's just so busy....and it's making me collapsing in no time, been a few nights that i was half way doing my assignment, eyes began to feel tired, went for a bounce on my bed, and slept for 1-2hours then awake in the midnight to continue my assignment till 4-6am every night! :'( it's so suffocating.....i need you so much..wishing all the classmates best of luck in finishing all assignments and midpoint before it due!
Nevertheless, another sleepless night, 8.30am for class and I'm still awake though I'm terribly tired! My eyes, my body, my back aches, my mind is empty, my heartbeats abnormally but...there's only one thing, one person who comes into my mind that calms me down! I've thought of a quote for long, for you, my love...and the rhythm goes like this...
Something I've thought about long ago,
This is what I've decided and make out of my mind,
No one in this world is perfect, Heaven knows I'm not thou,
But my love for you is more than anyone else possibly could!
In the end, that's all that matters.
You're my chance at something else, something better...
And there's no way I'm letting you go off like that..
After all this while, FINALLY....words not much, eyes off somewhere, but my heart still beats for missing you! I've been waiting for this day so much, but... It just takes my breath off with "please don't misunderstand anything..", "it's just like that..", "..no other means"! :'( I've had hell loads of unfinished things, i did it on purpose, for you but why..?? Did it just break my heart into pieces? No? Yes? But why? It's so suffocating, it's really suffocating! I'm trying hard...really hard, but i'm still never been pleased! Here..., here..., you take it from here my words! My speech couldn't be spoken out at all tonight, it just stabbed deep to the spot where it makes me to mute!~ :'( do you know,...i've been missing you so much badly! Badly till it's aching deep into my heart and nerves for the ignorant and reluctance! I'm collapsing in no time.... :'( you engraved everything in my heart, why do you wants to take everything off back from me? Have i ever, ever said "LOVE" suck? No i didn't, nor won't because the love we'd together isn't suck at all!~~ afterall, i'm in need of you and your love only... ;'( i don't need anything from you at all!~
nothing more that i can say! life is just so meaningful with all of my friends! nevertheless, i'll appreciate my life & my family & friends in order to keep myself surviving for a longer time happily then....
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